I'm getting used to typing with actual nails.
I spent the weekend and the previous week recovering from my vacation. Some things just need to be done. I should really go to school this week, but I'm just not feeling it. I"m in the process of doing some apartment changes and just being plain lazy.
Facebook continues to depress me, though for different reasons. And I can't seem to find a book to read. I have a million books at home and yet, I'm not really reading anything. It sucks. I did finish the latest Anita Blake book and it was good, almost a return, but sort of shot some holes in my theory about what was going to happen. Although, it left some doubt as to what is going to happen. Anyway. It was a good Saturday night read.
What do you do on a Saturday night? Do you stay home? How does one go out, if one doesn't have any friends to go out with? Or any money for that matter.
I'm ok, though. I'm getting over the FWB. Maybe it was this summer, but I didn't really care if we saw each other. I'm jeal0us and upset about his previous relationships and I'm also sort of mad at him. Not in the I never want to see you again way, but in the I love you and your my friend but right now you piss me off and I'm not ready to talk to you about it. He just seems to be pulling away from me and I'm sure that could be for a variety of reasons. He's had some trouble at work and we all know how stressful that can be. I'm also feeling really stressed out about work. I had my second horrible work dream and it's only August 3. I've been having problems sleeping and I've been wandering my house not sure what to do. I have a ton of projects that I could be working on, but late at night, I wander around not sure what to do or what to read. Nothing looks good. Maybe a trip to the book store is what I need, but it would have to be a cheap trip, that's all I have to say. Anyway.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Monday Morning Blues
You know, I really don't like Mondays. I didn't even like them when I had them off. Maybe I'm just grouchy because I haven't eaten today and today is my first day at the Y. I'll let you know.
I think the real reason that people have kids is to have something to do with their lives once they hit middle age. I'm too old to be worrying about stupid stuff, yet here I am, worrying about stupid stuff. I'm trying really hard to improve my life and figure out what the next step is. I want to have a relationship with someone who wants to have a relationship with me. I mean, I love my FWB, but he's not ready (and may never be) for a relationship with me. That makes me hugely sad. I can only hope that the Y has tvs for watching while you walk on the treadmill or I may cry. All this being said, I'm not really ready to let what we have fall by the wayside entirely. Because, in its own way, it's good. And I feel supported.
But Facebook makes me sad. I'm not a social person. I'm scared of people. I'm shy. Going to the Y is a huge step for me in hopefully meeting people and getting to know new people. I'm not good at this. I'm actually thinking of going to my 20th class reunion in August, because it will force me to interact with people. I don't know. I'm horribly scared. And why is it that I'm horribly scared? For years I've struggled with the need to be myself versus what others think of me. I think this has two roots: I've always been very aware of what I think of other people (which isn't always nice and I keep it to myself) and Corey. I'm sick of talking about Corey. He destroyed parts of me that I haven't been able to get back. I was more self confident than I am now. He told me horrible things about myself that left me doubting myself for years to come. And in all honesty, so did James. So did Rich.
So meeting people is painful and difficult for me. I can only imagine what other people think of me and of course, my imagination is terrible. It always looks for the worst.
So today is the first day of my attempt to be more present in my life and take the first step in meeting people. I think that after I go to the gym, no matter how I look I will also go to the coffee shop and read and have something to drink...not necessarily coffee, but something cold at least. Then I can sit and read my graphic novel that has been waiting since like April for me to finish.
Wish me luck.
SS
I think the real reason that people have kids is to have something to do with their lives once they hit middle age. I'm too old to be worrying about stupid stuff, yet here I am, worrying about stupid stuff. I'm trying really hard to improve my life and figure out what the next step is. I want to have a relationship with someone who wants to have a relationship with me. I mean, I love my FWB, but he's not ready (and may never be) for a relationship with me. That makes me hugely sad. I can only hope that the Y has tvs for watching while you walk on the treadmill or I may cry. All this being said, I'm not really ready to let what we have fall by the wayside entirely. Because, in its own way, it's good. And I feel supported.
But Facebook makes me sad. I'm not a social person. I'm scared of people. I'm shy. Going to the Y is a huge step for me in hopefully meeting people and getting to know new people. I'm not good at this. I'm actually thinking of going to my 20th class reunion in August, because it will force me to interact with people. I don't know. I'm horribly scared. And why is it that I'm horribly scared? For years I've struggled with the need to be myself versus what others think of me. I think this has two roots: I've always been very aware of what I think of other people (which isn't always nice and I keep it to myself) and Corey. I'm sick of talking about Corey. He destroyed parts of me that I haven't been able to get back. I was more self confident than I am now. He told me horrible things about myself that left me doubting myself for years to come. And in all honesty, so did James. So did Rich.
So meeting people is painful and difficult for me. I can only imagine what other people think of me and of course, my imagination is terrible. It always looks for the worst.
So today is the first day of my attempt to be more present in my life and take the first step in meeting people. I think that after I go to the gym, no matter how I look I will also go to the coffee shop and read and have something to drink...not necessarily coffee, but something cold at least. Then I can sit and read my graphic novel that has been waiting since like April for me to finish.
Wish me luck.
SS
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Things I learned at home
I always love pretending that I'm being interviewed for some fashion mag. It's cool...but today I thought about all the things I learned at home. As opposed to all the things I learned after I moved out. (to be discussed later).
Things I learned at home included:
1. Doing my own laundry. Ever since I was tall enough to reach the buttons on the washer, Mom made me do my own wash (most of the time). By the time I was in sixth grade I had perfected the "wash your jeans the night before you want to wear them and then go to bed and throw them in the drier when you get up" thing. This is something I do to this day. Now whenever I see Mom, she does my laundry! Now granted, since I learned how to do the wash, I've tried and done other things...powders (use liquid always), Oxyclean (ok, but not all the time...it's expensive), vinegar (to get out smells), fancy dancy fabric softeners, etc. I've also done my wash in a variety of places--launderomats in Madison (less old magazines, better washers and huge driers, more televisions), the basements of various apartment buildings (the house key to Mom's house opens the lock for the laundery room I used when I lived on Gorham street) and finally my own laundry at home. And to be honest, I'd never live anywhere that didn't have it's own washer and drier and dishwasher.
2. Napping. Napping is a sacred ritual at Mom's house. She sees nothing wrong with sleeping all day, puncuated by snacks and meals. I get edgy and weird if I sleep that long, but I have been known to do it. These days I nap, but I more often do one of the other things I learned at home...
3. Reading in bed. I love reading in bed. I have it all worked out. I also love reading in the tub, and I've been trying to train myself to read while sitting on the couch, but usually I reserve this for things I have to think about while I read. Reading should be done in a comfortable position, not all scrunched up over a desk (which is how I read in school, too often). However, you shouldn't read while
4. Driving. Although, I'll admit to looking at magazines while I drive. Especially at stop lights. (but I digress). Dad taught me how to drive and it was one of the most valuable experiences in my life. Yes, I drive a bit different from my sisters, who all learned from Mom. But it's been over 20 years since I learned, so I'm allowed a few idosincracies. (I think that's how you spell it). I really feel like I learned a lot about Dad this way. I mean, he'd let me drive really fast, just to see what it was like. He always made me wear my seatbelt. And he wouldn't let me listen to the radio in the car (saying it was distracting). So we talked, or I guess I talked. To this day, you can get me to confess anything to you, as long as I'm driving, it's dark and you are there with me in the car. And drive I did. I love driving, it's peaceful, I can contemplate the world, the big picture or whatever I need to do. I spent a lot of hours in the car driving back and forth to school from my house in Stoddard and I worked up my whole thesis this way.
So there you have it...four things I learned at home.
What did you learn at home?
Love SS
Things I learned at home included:
1. Doing my own laundry. Ever since I was tall enough to reach the buttons on the washer, Mom made me do my own wash (most of the time). By the time I was in sixth grade I had perfected the "wash your jeans the night before you want to wear them and then go to bed and throw them in the drier when you get up" thing. This is something I do to this day. Now whenever I see Mom, she does my laundry! Now granted, since I learned how to do the wash, I've tried and done other things...powders (use liquid always), Oxyclean (ok, but not all the time...it's expensive), vinegar (to get out smells), fancy dancy fabric softeners, etc. I've also done my wash in a variety of places--launderomats in Madison (less old magazines, better washers and huge driers, more televisions), the basements of various apartment buildings (the house key to Mom's house opens the lock for the laundery room I used when I lived on Gorham street) and finally my own laundry at home. And to be honest, I'd never live anywhere that didn't have it's own washer and drier and dishwasher.
2. Napping. Napping is a sacred ritual at Mom's house. She sees nothing wrong with sleeping all day, puncuated by snacks and meals. I get edgy and weird if I sleep that long, but I have been known to do it. These days I nap, but I more often do one of the other things I learned at home...
3. Reading in bed. I love reading in bed. I have it all worked out. I also love reading in the tub, and I've been trying to train myself to read while sitting on the couch, but usually I reserve this for things I have to think about while I read. Reading should be done in a comfortable position, not all scrunched up over a desk (which is how I read in school, too often). However, you shouldn't read while
4. Driving. Although, I'll admit to looking at magazines while I drive. Especially at stop lights. (but I digress). Dad taught me how to drive and it was one of the most valuable experiences in my life. Yes, I drive a bit different from my sisters, who all learned from Mom. But it's been over 20 years since I learned, so I'm allowed a few idosincracies. (I think that's how you spell it). I really feel like I learned a lot about Dad this way. I mean, he'd let me drive really fast, just to see what it was like. He always made me wear my seatbelt. And he wouldn't let me listen to the radio in the car (saying it was distracting). So we talked, or I guess I talked. To this day, you can get me to confess anything to you, as long as I'm driving, it's dark and you are there with me in the car. And drive I did. I love driving, it's peaceful, I can contemplate the world, the big picture or whatever I need to do. I spent a lot of hours in the car driving back and forth to school from my house in Stoddard and I worked up my whole thesis this way.
So there you have it...four things I learned at home.
What did you learn at home?
Love SS
Friday, July 3, 2009
Getting older
Just heard from a friend that her parents were in a car crash. Someone else commented that this is the time of life when you are as worried about your parents as you are about your kids.
I hate the assumption that I have kids. I don't (as you well know) and the chances of me having kids is pretty limited...thanks more to the fact that I have a disagreeable uterus than the fact that I have no one in my life right now, although that is a consideration. I think about how little I really make and I wonder how I could afford a kid on my own, anyway.
It's hard to admit that I'm almost 40. (yikes, did i just write that?) And that the possiblity of having a hysterectomy is looming on the horizon. I'd like to keep all my parts for as long as possible. But I'm not jumping to any conclusions about what the future will bring, just trying to decide what will be the best for me.
I guess I have facebook to thank for all the weirdness I'm feeling right now. It's hard to reconcile the kid you hated in school with the adult that has kids and parents they care about. It is. I'm not like my BFF...I don't hate people on sight and I don't generally hold a grudge, but people that I didn't like in school, deserve to remain in the past...I don't want to hear about them, their families or their kids. Maybe I am holding a grudge. I don't know. I do know that there probably are people just like me who don't want to hear about me. And I'm actually fine with that. I guess in someways its the old Corey dilemma...I do not want to even hear about him from anyone. He pisses me off for what he did to me, but I can't express that to people who know him now. That wouldn't be fair to the person he is now, although I suspect that he hasn't changed much. And I feel like I've let the anger go, to a great extent. I get mad when I think about how he destroyed my last year in high school and how manipulative he was. I can't go around mourning for the person I was, or the person I could have been, though, I just have to move forward and play the hand I've been dealt.
I guess I wish I had it easy...I wish I had all the things I thought I was going to get if I was just "a good girl." The husband, the house, the kids, the career. None of those things really fell into place, though. The only thing that did was my desire to continue to go to school, because I really don't know anything else...well that's not true...I do know books and I'm hoping that I can make a life out of that. But who knows? We could all die tomorrow.
Love ss
I hate the assumption that I have kids. I don't (as you well know) and the chances of me having kids is pretty limited...thanks more to the fact that I have a disagreeable uterus than the fact that I have no one in my life right now, although that is a consideration. I think about how little I really make and I wonder how I could afford a kid on my own, anyway.
It's hard to admit that I'm almost 40. (yikes, did i just write that?) And that the possiblity of having a hysterectomy is looming on the horizon. I'd like to keep all my parts for as long as possible. But I'm not jumping to any conclusions about what the future will bring, just trying to decide what will be the best for me.
I guess I have facebook to thank for all the weirdness I'm feeling right now. It's hard to reconcile the kid you hated in school with the adult that has kids and parents they care about. It is. I'm not like my BFF...I don't hate people on sight and I don't generally hold a grudge, but people that I didn't like in school, deserve to remain in the past...I don't want to hear about them, their families or their kids. Maybe I am holding a grudge. I don't know. I do know that there probably are people just like me who don't want to hear about me. And I'm actually fine with that. I guess in someways its the old Corey dilemma...I do not want to even hear about him from anyone. He pisses me off for what he did to me, but I can't express that to people who know him now. That wouldn't be fair to the person he is now, although I suspect that he hasn't changed much. And I feel like I've let the anger go, to a great extent. I get mad when I think about how he destroyed my last year in high school and how manipulative he was. I can't go around mourning for the person I was, or the person I could have been, though, I just have to move forward and play the hand I've been dealt.
I guess I wish I had it easy...I wish I had all the things I thought I was going to get if I was just "a good girl." The husband, the house, the kids, the career. None of those things really fell into place, though. The only thing that did was my desire to continue to go to school, because I really don't know anything else...well that's not true...I do know books and I'm hoping that I can make a life out of that. But who knows? We could all die tomorrow.
Love ss
Thursday, June 18, 2009
And Then It Was Summer
Today is day 4 of my summer vacation. I went to school yesterday to check over and send back proof pages.
Everything seems sort of blah. I could be doing 100 different things around my house, since I didn't get the job in Merrill and do not have to move, but just the thought of it makes me bored. I hate being bored. And I hate having a TV. I'm actually thinking of dropping my cable subscription, so I can use my TV for watching movies and stuff. With Hulu, this is a very good possiblity. Even the new book I got in the mail, which I was waiting for, is logged down in the middle of a very confusing, vaguely interesting story, but I just can't seem to get through it. Last night I spent four hours watching NCIS. I just can't summon up any interest in anything.
Even meeting with my FWB was...just fine. Usually I walk away from our encounters feeling happy and good about myself. Maybe it was the genuine relisation that he's really not going to be ready to have a life partner any time soon, maybe never. I just feel sad. Not sad in the my boyfriend broke up with me way, just sad in the I'm resigned to it way. Kind of let down, you know? Part of this probably comes from the fact that I check my facebook account everyday...usually in the morning and, I don't know, it all seems really impersonal. Maybe it's really facebook let down. I love being able to see what all my "friends" are doing, but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing anything.
However, this will change...I'm actually driving to Cleveland next weekend...note to self...call Ross! And I'm really excited about it. I love driving and I love road trips. I'm going to borrow the digital camera from school and take a ton of pics. Bear is my navigator, of course, so I'll take pics of him as we travel. Plus, I'm thinking of driving to Texas with Janette for a few days. I know...HOT, right? I'll live. As long as I avoid sugar-y drinks and stuff, I should be just fine.
Also up on my plate is me joining the Y. I promised myself I would do it, but I wanted to wait until the whole job possiblity thing came to fruition. I'm looking forward to daily workouts and walking...once the stupid yearbook is done...which really is never.
In addition, I'd like to:
1. Get a new tattoo
2. Study for my GRE
3. Get my apps for grad school squared away before school starts
4. There was something else, but I forgot what it was...I'm sure I'll remember it soon.
Anyway...as far as #1 goes, I have two ideas...one is a long standing one, the other is sort of new. I have a quote from a Throwing Muses song that I think I'll get on my lower back, above my "K". The other is for some little stars for my family. I try to make my tats as personal as possible, and I get sort of picky. We'll have to see.
Anyway...that's it. For now...I have to go and brush my teeth and go to school.
LOVE SS
Everything seems sort of blah. I could be doing 100 different things around my house, since I didn't get the job in Merrill and do not have to move, but just the thought of it makes me bored. I hate being bored. And I hate having a TV. I'm actually thinking of dropping my cable subscription, so I can use my TV for watching movies and stuff. With Hulu, this is a very good possiblity. Even the new book I got in the mail, which I was waiting for, is logged down in the middle of a very confusing, vaguely interesting story, but I just can't seem to get through it. Last night I spent four hours watching NCIS. I just can't summon up any interest in anything.
Even meeting with my FWB was...just fine. Usually I walk away from our encounters feeling happy and good about myself. Maybe it was the genuine relisation that he's really not going to be ready to have a life partner any time soon, maybe never. I just feel sad. Not sad in the my boyfriend broke up with me way, just sad in the I'm resigned to it way. Kind of let down, you know? Part of this probably comes from the fact that I check my facebook account everyday...usually in the morning and, I don't know, it all seems really impersonal. Maybe it's really facebook let down. I love being able to see what all my "friends" are doing, but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing anything.
However, this will change...I'm actually driving to Cleveland next weekend...note to self...call Ross! And I'm really excited about it. I love driving and I love road trips. I'm going to borrow the digital camera from school and take a ton of pics. Bear is my navigator, of course, so I'll take pics of him as we travel. Plus, I'm thinking of driving to Texas with Janette for a few days. I know...HOT, right? I'll live. As long as I avoid sugar-y drinks and stuff, I should be just fine.
Also up on my plate is me joining the Y. I promised myself I would do it, but I wanted to wait until the whole job possiblity thing came to fruition. I'm looking forward to daily workouts and walking...once the stupid yearbook is done...which really is never.
In addition, I'd like to:
1. Get a new tattoo
2. Study for my GRE
3. Get my apps for grad school squared away before school starts
4. There was something else, but I forgot what it was...I'm sure I'll remember it soon.
Anyway...as far as #1 goes, I have two ideas...one is a long standing one, the other is sort of new. I have a quote from a Throwing Muses song that I think I'll get on my lower back, above my "K". The other is for some little stars for my family. I try to make my tats as personal as possible, and I get sort of picky. We'll have to see.
Anyway...that's it. For now...I have to go and brush my teeth and go to school.
LOVE SS
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ugly Thursday
I had an ugly Wednesday confrontation with the Title 1 person. It didn't help that I basically started crying...I'm ready to give up. She's actually the only person who understood that I have too much to do and not enough time to do it. I'm really considering doing something else. I'm very close to being burned out on this job and I'm tired of fighting. I hadn't realised that people talk so much behind your back about what you said...so I'm not going to say anything. Apparently, people do listen, but then they tell everyone within hearing distance what you said.
This just made me really upset, especially coming on the heels of last week's being questioned about why I kicked a student out of class. I feel like everything I know is being questioned and no one is here to support me with what needs to be done. And I'm tired. Very tired (another sign of being burned out, I'm told). I don't want to go to school today and I'm acutally thinking about calling in sick tomorrow. It's been too hard lately and I'm sick to death of it all. I've applied for three more jobs, in places I don't really want to live, but anything ANYTHING to get out of the situation I'm in right now. I hate it here. I'm tired of having to do things that I don't enjoy...and I no longer enjoy my job. Some days I just think that I want a job that I don't have to take home with me every night. (not that I actually take anything home, but the point stands). I no longer feel like I'm doing a good job.
I'm very upset and depressed. About everything. And when I get like this, I start to ask myself why bother? You know, I hate my job, I'm all alone, why bother even being alive, right? I've been walking around in a daze since this whole thing...it made me realize that no one is trustworthy and I have no one to talk to, because I don't trust anyone, at all. (at work at least) I just want to cry.
All I want to do is get in the car and drive away.
ss
This just made me really upset, especially coming on the heels of last week's being questioned about why I kicked a student out of class. I feel like everything I know is being questioned and no one is here to support me with what needs to be done. And I'm tired. Very tired (another sign of being burned out, I'm told). I don't want to go to school today and I'm acutally thinking about calling in sick tomorrow. It's been too hard lately and I'm sick to death of it all. I've applied for three more jobs, in places I don't really want to live, but anything ANYTHING to get out of the situation I'm in right now. I hate it here. I'm tired of having to do things that I don't enjoy...and I no longer enjoy my job. Some days I just think that I want a job that I don't have to take home with me every night. (not that I actually take anything home, but the point stands). I no longer feel like I'm doing a good job.
I'm very upset and depressed. About everything. And when I get like this, I start to ask myself why bother? You know, I hate my job, I'm all alone, why bother even being alive, right? I've been walking around in a daze since this whole thing...it made me realize that no one is trustworthy and I have no one to talk to, because I don't trust anyone, at all. (at work at least) I just want to cry.
All I want to do is get in the car and drive away.
ss
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Cats....
So I heard from a friend that works at the Humane Society that they had about 60 cats up for adoption. So go take a look yourself...my favorite is David Letterman...at the bottom it says that "David Letterman is house trained." HAHAHA
http://www.couleehumane.com/adoption/
So I'm really not in the market for another cat, but there are several darlings that I'd love to take home and take good care of including Gahndi. However, I'm waiting for at least a year after I got Zoe, because I really think she needs to be very settled in and feel comfortable with Grim and me. Grim is grim...no more box squasing recently, but he has abandoned the end of the bed for somewhere else in the house, and Zoe has moved to the cat bed in the living room. She likes to stretch out on my multicolored rug from Ikea and she's been exhibiting the kind of behavior I usually see from cats that are pretty happy and comfortable...Like folding her paws as she lays on her back, laying on her side (which looks weird...only one foot in the back!) and letting Grim come up and lick her or touch noses. She's not yet the dominate cat, but I have a feeling she soon will be. Grim is used to being the low man on the totem pole, so he does subservant cat things, like lick her.
He's taken to annoyingly yelling at 5:30 in the morning and any time I try to go to sleep at night. I try to pet and comfort him, but this seems to be an outgrowth of his bedtime opra singing. Only at 5:30 in the am, I'm less than charmed.
Ok...go visit the cats. Then, if you feel you need to, go get a cat from your humane society. Jankin, I bet one would love your house and a litterbox in the laundry room, would be ok. Although, I bet you can't have cats. How sad. It would reduce your squirrel issues a bit. And the birds would love to tease what can't get out. Grim barks at the birds all day long...he moves from room to room to see where he can get the best view.
I should go and check my laundry and straighten up and take a nap.
Love
SS
http://www.couleehumane.com/adoption/
So I'm really not in the market for another cat, but there are several darlings that I'd love to take home and take good care of including Gahndi. However, I'm waiting for at least a year after I got Zoe, because I really think she needs to be very settled in and feel comfortable with Grim and me. Grim is grim...no more box squasing recently, but he has abandoned the end of the bed for somewhere else in the house, and Zoe has moved to the cat bed in the living room. She likes to stretch out on my multicolored rug from Ikea and she's been exhibiting the kind of behavior I usually see from cats that are pretty happy and comfortable...Like folding her paws as she lays on her back, laying on her side (which looks weird...only one foot in the back!) and letting Grim come up and lick her or touch noses. She's not yet the dominate cat, but I have a feeling she soon will be. Grim is used to being the low man on the totem pole, so he does subservant cat things, like lick her.
He's taken to annoyingly yelling at 5:30 in the morning and any time I try to go to sleep at night. I try to pet and comfort him, but this seems to be an outgrowth of his bedtime opra singing. Only at 5:30 in the am, I'm less than charmed.
Ok...go visit the cats. Then, if you feel you need to, go get a cat from your humane society. Jankin, I bet one would love your house and a litterbox in the laundry room, would be ok. Although, I bet you can't have cats. How sad. It would reduce your squirrel issues a bit. And the birds would love to tease what can't get out. Grim barks at the birds all day long...he moves from room to room to see where he can get the best view.
I should go and check my laundry and straighten up and take a nap.
Love
SS
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