sleepysweet

come over here

2010-12-08T12:06:00.000-06:00

to my new blog:

http://sleepysweet-velveteenrabbit.blogspot.com_

SHOES SHOES SHOES

2010-08-19T12:37:00.001-05:00

Go here and look at these shoes! And they come in many combos, but these are the best of the bunch. I wouldn't buy them for meself, but my sis Joyce would love them!

http://shoeclosetlife.blogspot.com/2010/07/who-is-abigail-and-where-is-this-party.html

What I read this weekend

2010-05-24T12:43:00.002-05:00

I read the M.E. Kerr novel, The Evil Freindship that was the basis for one of my favorite movies, Beautiful Creatures. The story is true, based on a crime in Australia. Two girls become enamored of each other to the point of killing one of the girls' mother. The movie is great, starring Kate Winslet, who is fantastic and the actress who played Rose on Two and A Half men. If you want to see a completely different character than Rose, I mean, 180 degrees different this is the movie you want to see. This actress rocks...I'm sad that she hasn't done more because she is SOOOOO versitile.

I also continued to read Alien Dawn by Colin Wilson...it's a sythesis of everything weird and weirder in the world, centered around aliens. Very good...so good I bought it twice!!! (I'm returning one of the copies...)

It was so hot on Sunday, that all I did was lay around. I really want to go to the gym, but I'm also debating about the heat. It is HOT....90+ and probably not a very good day to start out at the gym...I'm waiting until later in the week. I will be making smoothies for dinner tonight, so if you want one, be at my house at like 5:00.

Hoping to finish And Falling, Fly, tonight. If it is too hot to do anything, you can bet I will.

Ok, bell rang, gotta go.

SS

Finished Witch

2010-05-17T14:41:00.002-05:00

Ok, I finished Witch over the weekend. Not so much creepy as true crime-y, but interesting anyway. I like the occasional true crime/bio because I'm curious about what happens to people to make them act the way they do. This was interesting, if only because she killed her mom and left her in a garbage can in her storage locker for over two years...no one noticed until it started to leak and smell. BIG YUCK! And the pics were sort of gross. What would make you want to kill your mom? I mean, really, it's tough being a mom, even a half assed mom, and you can't always like your relatives, but was the social security pay off big enough to do it? Really? REALLY? Maybe I have a hard time understanding people who don't feel guilty for doing really bad stuff.

I dipped into Panic in Level 4 which is a series of longer (think New Yorker) type essays on a bunch of cool things...crazy twins building a supercomputer in thier New York apartment to figure out pi. People who self cannablize due to a gene defect, the deciphering of the human genome, stuff like that. I didn't really feel like starting anything new, in spite of my trip to Barnes and Noble.

Last night I started How to make friends with demons, by Graham Joyce. I like Graham Joyce, but I just haven't really gotten into his last few novels...and they are hard to get at places like B and N, for some reason. This one is very good, so far, about this guy who lives a pretty normal life, except he has a hobby of selling antique books, which he usually forges. He gives the money to a homeless shelter and has some definite views on parenting. (For example, his son stops talking to him and becomes a rude brat, so he stops paying for him to go to some pricey swanky upscale school, unitl his son learns better manners. I like that.) He also has an obsession with demons. And some sort of weird backstory involving one of his friends from grad school summoning a demon.

I also got my first Amazon ordered book today...The Red Church. I started it during study hall and it seems to be ok...in a Richard Laymon kind of way...bascially really straightforward with no hidden message, yet. I haven't read very far, because I want to finish Demons (Which I started once before and set aside).

J--I'll send you the book when I go to the PO tomorrow to pick up my mail. I hope you like it.

SS

Books

2010-05-14T14:47:00.002-05:00

Last night, as I left the bookstore, clutching my bag full of new stuff to read, I wondered just how much I read in a year. So, as of today, I will checking in with you all on what I've been reading.

Right now, I'm reading 4 different books, although, one is a reread that I'll probably just put back on the shelf. The other three are new (to me anyway) reads. Here's the spread:

1. December about a band of psycics who begin recording their latest album the night of John Lennon's murder. It ends in the death of the guitarist's wife. I spent part of Saturday in bed reading this last weekend, still haven't finished it...had to sort of take a break.

2. Witch about las vegas's most notrious female killer. All right so far, a fast read. I'll probably end up selling this one, unless someone else wants to read it.

3. Necroscope is the first of Brain Lumley's Necro books. I just dipped into it briefly. I'll probably end up setting this one aside for summer reading. It's about a guy who can talk to the dead. So far, it's just been gross and weird. But gross and weird in a way that's kind of too gross and weird for even me. It seems ok, though.

On the plus side...no faculty meeting on Wednesday and we got paid today. I NEEDED new jeans, so I went with my old stand-by from Kohl's. I got a coupon for alight, so the dress is in, too...

More soon, when I finally finish a book.

SS

Things to lust

2010-05-05T15:11:00.005-05:00

Ok, so I've been on rations these past two weeks due to my trip to Texas. My sisters always know the best places to shop...

But I've been lusting after the following items:

From Noir Jewlery, the cluster ring "Jupiter" in midnight, for a reasonable $54. They also have a cool black octopus ring with pink eyes for only $150. I love it, but not the price.

we also have the adorable dress from alight:

Perfect for summer wear and winter wear with boots and tights. I also NEED new jeans. The dress and ring, might be within my budget, perhaps one at a time over the next two months. I really do need a few more summer/winter dresses and golly, huge blue rings don't always magically appear. And I could defend myself with it's magic powers...or just hit someone with it if they get in my way. Sigh...I love dreaming!

solitaire

2010-04-20T08:27:00.002-05:00

So I've been playing a lot of mah jong. It's a nice little that allows the pestery over thinking part of my brain to just shut up while the other parts of my brain actually do some thinking. I highly reccommend it.

I didn't sleep well last night...going to bed too early, throwing my shoulder all out of whack at like 330 and the birds. I know birds like to sing, but at 330 in the morning? Really? It's not even CLOSE to being light out and I'd like the extra two hours of sleep.

Needless to say, I'm quite tired. I'd like to get to the gym, but we'll see. I can barely keep my eyes open. So, I need to find lots of stupid things to do to keep me engaged until I can go home and go back to bed.

Life and everything

2010-04-19T14:38:00.003-05:00

So last night I was hanging out with Bear. We'd just finished watching a flick and I started talking about what comes next. Not in the "when you die, what comes next?" way, but in the, I feel like my time in this place doing this job is coming to an end and what do we do next?

We talked about moving. We talked about how important my family is to me. We talked about how much the job I have right now, isn't the job for me. We talked about how constrained I feel by everything around me and how tired I am of doing the yearbook, year in and year out. We talked about what I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, I don't know.

After 10 years of teaching, I'm starting to get tired of it. I want something that doesn't tire me out, but makes me feel excited, not sick, when the weekend ends. I want job where I don't have to take work home and worry about test scores and whether or not my kids have learned anything. The more I think about it the more I want to work with little kids. Which I could do, with my reading teacher liscnese, concievealby.

But do I want to do it here? I haven't talked with FWB in a while, and I'll admit, I'm sort of over it. There is really nothing here holding me down, except my job and my BF, who keeps threatening to move someplace warmer.

Plus there are jobs in Texas, and my family is there. Bear and I talked about missing the weather, though. He really wants to move to Alaska, but we both agreed that it was too far away from my family to do that.

So how do you lead a life that reflects your values, when you don't really have anything to...well not value, but drive you. I mean, I could see living here and doing the same job and it just makes my stomach hurt. There is no reason for me to be here anymore. No one holding me here.

What to do? What to do?

Time, time, time part 2

2010-03-16T17:53:00.001-05:00

Now it's almost 6 pm. I have seen not a soul at PTC, but I did talk to Joanna for a while.

My car is fixed and I will pick it up (and sell my soul) tomorrow.

I have graded papers and entered grades.

I am tired, and can't wait to go home and crawl into bed.

Time, time, time

2010-03-16T12:16:00.002-05:00

I'm waiting to hear from the bank about the possiblity of loan to help fix my car. I'm also waiting to the car place to call and say they are done with my car.

It's been an exhausting two days and I suppose I could be working on something important, but righ tnow I'm just waitng.

I looked at my resume and was reminded why I have no life.

Mad. Mad. Mad

2010-02-10T13:35:00.002-06:00

This morning when I woke up, I was pissed off. Most of the time, when I wake up pissed off, I'm not sure why, but this morning I was. I had tried to call my FWB to no avail. It was frustrating, because it really seemed like he was blowing me off. I fell asleep mad and woke up mad and that made for a very exhausting day.

Besides, I have a cold. Not a bad cold, but a small cold. I just don't feel right or good. I'm either too cold, or too hot, my nose is running and I'm coughing more than usual. Between that and the snow, all I've been good for is nought.

The Perfect Man

2010-02-07T09:12:00.002-06:00

So, the latest Cosmo suggested that you describe the perfect man...I thought, well, it can't hurt...well, it could considering that my new position requires a lot of mouse manipulation and my thumb is killing me. (I'm doing some data entry/manipulation/share data with others, in addition to my teaching duties.)

Anyway, I'm going to try this out. We'll see what happens. If you happen to know this guy, will you tell him that I'm looking for him? Thanks.

So here's my perfect guy:

1. He has to like to read. I don't really care what he likes to read, but he shouldn't really mind hanging out at a book store reading or looking at books he'd like to read.

2. He probably should at least have a passing interest in sci fi/horror/fantasy novels and movies.

3. I love hairy guys. Yes, it's my secret passion. I'll even take back hair. But good grooming is a must. Hairy smelly guys need not apply.

4. He probably should like to take baths and have a HUGE bathtub and not mind sharing with me or mind smelly girly bubble bath.

5. I'm not a super picky person when it comes to looks, as long as someone is clean, and reasonably well groomed, I'm happy. Goatees and small beards are great. Mustaches and full beards not so great. Grooming below the belt should not be optional, but within reason.

6. I like to take walks and go camping but doing those things alone suck, so someone who doesn't mind going camping and hiking and taking walks would be great.

7. He should like cats. Or at least not mind them. It would be great if he had a dog, who also didn't mind cats.

8. He should like all kinds of music including techno and kids.

9. He should like sex. A lot. All of the time.

10. I'd like to meet someone who is supportive and is willing to support me. I'm really good at supporting others, not so good at supporting myself.

11. He shouldn't mind that I have the summer off and not expect me to paint the house, fix the plumbing or mow the lawn when I have the summer off.

12. He should understand that being a teacher is gut wrenching, stress inducing, sad and happy.

13. He won't mind if I drive. He won't mind if I sing.

14. He can tolerate Kristin Hersh. In all forms.

15. He should be taller than me and have a big comfy bed. Or at least be open to having a big comfy bed.

16. Probably already has kids of his own or wouldn't be to upset if we didn't have kids together.

17. Let's me do the wash, and some of the cooking and is willing to do the dishes.

Hmmm...I think that's it for right now. Do you know this person? My FWB fits many of these, but there is always room for improvement. For example, he doesn't like Kristin Hersh. At all. It's one of his failings as a person, and the result of living with my BF who listened to the first Throwing Muses album all the time and at high decibels.

Books

2010-02-03T14:47:00.002-06:00

Let me just get this out of the way now...I'm a bibliohile...In fact, while cleaning my house yesterday I found and stowed many to-read books and read (past tense) books. But I just have to complain...

My local barnes and noble sucks. For every book I find on Amazon (my great addiction) I can only fine 1 or 2 actually in stock at my BandN. And it sucks waiting for books to arrive via the mail, to have to pay for shipping and for (rarely) getting a totally destroyed copy of a book that was labeled "Used--Good."

I've begun to use my mailbox at school to recieve packages, because no UPS driver ever leaves anything at my door and the UPS pick up place is open the most ridiculous hours (8-10 am and 4-6pm).

I was in the mood for a book...I'm tired and wanted to go home and curl up with dinner and a book while the wash was washing and drying, but everything I looked for at BN was "out of stock". Now I know that they stock books, I've seen 'em, but they don't really stock books for people like me, bibliophiles with too much time on thier hands and no life to speak of. I don't necessarily like going to book stores, unless it's a book store that's brand new to me or (like Bookpeople in Austin TX that ROCKS!) it has much more than just books--cards, smelly sparkly pens, t-shirts, wind chimes, jewlery (I swear I'm gonna buy something fantastic there this time!) candles, insence, books, music, videos, comics, books and books and books. Or there is amazing coffee and treats. There just aren't book stores like that anymore...maybe there never really were and bookpeople just spoiled the dickens out of me, who can say?

Didn't sleep so well last night and now another day has finally finished...so I'm off to scare up some food and maybe, just maybe a book or two.

a new year, a new post

2010-02-01T16:34:00.002-06:00

I know you are all waiting breathlessly for me to post something...anything. Well here it is.

I've been on a bit of a better myself kind of kick lately. I've been to the gym. Not once, but three times. If it weren't for my stupid garage door opener becoming lost in my house and me having to cab it to school and get a ride home from a colleague I would have totally gone today. Now my get up and go has got up and went.

I'm learning to live with the ups and downs of my normal personality. I'm trying hard not to let things get so out of hand that I go crazy or get depressed. It's a tough lesson to learn.

When I was in Wausau this weekend, I felt very sad and depressed about the state of my relationship with my FWB. I don't know how I feel...yes I do, I'm in love with someone who doesn't or can't love me back and it sucks. It makes me sad, but most of the time, I have so many other things to think about, I don't really feel that bad.

I wonder why I haven't tried to have other relationships since my ex-husband. I keep saying to myself, it won't hurt that much when it ends. But it so hurts and it hurts so bad. I was so burned by my ex-husband and everyone else I didn't want to get hurt again, and yet here I am. Feeling sad and feeling my heart chip a little. It's not to the point where it is broken, yet, but...

I just don't like feeling miserable. I hated feeling depressed and this is the best I've felt in years, so I don't want to spoil it...I just want to share it with someone else. I want to share my joys and sorrows with someone...I want someone to tell me that it's ok and it will be better tomorrow, which it always is, but when I am depressed, it seems like tomorrow will just be more of the same and why wake up for that?

So...I'm going to reheat the pizza from last night and try and get some of my garbage out of my house and see if I can find my other remote control garage door opener. Jeesh.

Monday, Monday

2009-08-03T10:42:00.003-05:00

I'm getting used to typing with actual nails.

I spent the weekend and the previous week recovering from my vacation. Some things just need to be done. I should really go to school this week, but I'm just not feeling it. I"m in the process of doing some apartment changes and just being plain lazy.

Facebook continues to depress me, though for different reasons. And I can't seem to find a book to read. I have a million books at home and yet, I'm not really reading anything. It sucks. I did finish the latest Anita Blake book and it was good, almost a return, but sort of shot some holes in my theory about what was going to happen. Although, it left some doubt as to what is going to happen. Anyway. It was a good Saturday night read.

What do you do on a Saturday night? Do you stay home? How does one go out, if one doesn't have any friends to go out with? Or any money for that matter.

I'm ok, though. I'm getting over the FWB. Maybe it was this summer, but I didn't really care if we saw each other. I'm jeal0us and upset about his previous relationships and I'm also sort of mad at him. Not in the I never want to see you again way, but in the I love you and your my friend but right now you piss me off and I'm not ready to talk to you about it. He just seems to be pulling away from me and I'm sure that could be for a variety of reasons. He's had some trouble at work and we all know how stressful that can be. I'm also feeling really stressed out about work. I had my second horrible work dream and it's only August 3. I've been having problems sleeping and I've been wandering my house not sure what to do. I have a ton of projects that I could be working on, but late at night, I wander around not sure what to do or what to read. Nothing looks good. Maybe a trip to the book store is what I need, but it would have to be a cheap trip, that's all I have to say. Anyway.

Monday Morning Blues

2009-07-13T08:58:00.002-05:00

You know, I really don't like Mondays. I didn't even like them when I had them off. Maybe I'm just grouchy because I haven't eaten today and today is my first day at the Y. I'll let you know.

I think the real reason that people have kids is to have something to do with their lives once they hit middle age. I'm too old to be worrying about stupid stuff, yet here I am, worrying about stupid stuff. I'm trying really hard to improve my life and figure out what the next step is. I want to have a relationship with someone who wants to have a relationship with me. I mean, I love my FWB, but he's not ready (and may never be) for a relationship with me. That makes me hugely sad. I can only hope that the Y has tvs for watching while you walk on the treadmill or I may cry. All this being said, I'm not really ready to let what we have fall by the wayside entirely. Because, in its own way, it's good. And I feel supported.

But Facebook makes me sad. I'm not a social person. I'm scared of people. I'm shy. Going to the Y is a huge step for me in hopefully meeting people and getting to know new people. I'm not good at this. I'm actually thinking of going to my 20th class reunion in August, because it will force me to interact with people. I don't know. I'm horribly scared. And why is it that I'm horribly scared? For years I've struggled with the need to be myself versus what others think of me. I think this has two roots: I've always been very aware of what I think of other people (which isn't always nice and I keep it to myself) and Corey. I'm sick of talking about Corey. He destroyed parts of me that I haven't been able to get back. I was more self confident than I am now. He told me horrible things about myself that left me doubting myself for years to come. And in all honesty, so did James. So did Rich.

So meeting people is painful and difficult for me. I can only imagine what other people think of me and of course, my imagination is terrible. It always looks for the worst.

So today is the first day of my attempt to be more present in my life and take the first step in meeting people. I think that after I go to the gym, no matter how I look I will also go to the coffee shop and read and have something to drink...not necessarily coffee, but something cold at least. Then I can sit and read my graphic novel that has been waiting since like April for me to finish.

Wish me luck.
SS

Things I learned at home

2009-07-08T18:36:00.002-05:00

I always love pretending that I'm being interviewed for some fashion mag. It's cool...but today I thought about all the things I learned at home. As opposed to all the things I learned after I moved out. (to be discussed later).

Things I learned at home included:
1. Doing my own laundry. Ever since I was tall enough to reach the buttons on the washer, Mom made me do my own wash (most of the time). By the time I was in sixth grade I had perfected the "wash your jeans the night before you want to wear them and then go to bed and throw them in the drier when you get up" thing. This is something I do to this day. Now whenever I see Mom, she does my laundry! Now granted, since I learned how to do the wash, I've tried and done other things...powders (use liquid always), Oxyclean (ok, but not all the time...it's expensive), vinegar (to get out smells), fancy dancy fabric softeners, etc. I've also done my wash in a variety of places--launderomats in Madison (less old magazines, better washers and huge driers, more televisions), the basements of various apartment buildings (the house key to Mom's house opens the lock for the laundery room I used when I lived on Gorham street) and finally my own laundry at home. And to be honest, I'd never live anywhere that didn't have it's own washer and drier and dishwasher.
2. Napping. Napping is a sacred ritual at Mom's house. She sees nothing wrong with sleeping all day, puncuated by snacks and meals. I get edgy and weird if I sleep that long, but I have been known to do it. These days I nap, but I more often do one of the other things I learned at home...
3. Reading in bed. I love reading in bed. I have it all worked out. I also love reading in the tub, and I've been trying to train myself to read while sitting on the couch, but usually I reserve this for things I have to think about while I read. Reading should be done in a comfortable position, not all scrunched up over a desk (which is how I read in school, too often). However, you shouldn't read while
4. Driving. Although, I'll admit to looking at magazines while I drive. Especially at stop lights. (but I digress). Dad taught me how to drive and it was one of the most valuable experiences in my life. Yes, I drive a bit different from my sisters, who all learned from Mom. But it's been over 20 years since I learned, so I'm allowed a few idosincracies. (I think that's how you spell it). I really feel like I learned a lot about Dad this way. I mean, he'd let me drive really fast, just to see what it was like. He always made me wear my seatbelt. And he wouldn't let me listen to the radio in the car (saying it was distracting). So we talked, or I guess I talked. To this day, you can get me to confess anything to you, as long as I'm driving, it's dark and you are there with me in the car. And drive I did. I love driving, it's peaceful, I can contemplate the world, the big picture or whatever I need to do. I spent a lot of hours in the car driving back and forth to school from my house in Stoddard and I worked up my whole thesis this way.

So there you have it...four things I learned at home.

What did you learn at home?

Love SS

Getting older

2009-07-03T14:15:00.003-05:00

Just heard from a friend that her parents were in a car crash. Someone else commented that this is the time of life when you are as worried about your parents as you are about your kids.

I hate the assumption that I have kids. I don't (as you well know) and the chances of me having kids is pretty limited...thanks more to the fact that I have a disagreeable uterus than the fact that I have no one in my life right now, although that is a consideration. I think about how little I really make and I wonder how I could afford a kid on my own, anyway.

It's hard to admit that I'm almost 40. (yikes, did i just write that?) And that the possiblity of having a hysterectomy is looming on the horizon. I'd like to keep all my parts for as long as possible. But I'm not jumping to any conclusions about what the future will bring, just trying to decide what will be the best for me.

I guess I have facebook to thank for all the weirdness I'm feeling right now. It's hard to reconcile the kid you hated in school with the adult that has kids and parents they care about. It is. I'm not like my BFF...I don't hate people on sight and I don't generally hold a grudge, but people that I didn't like in school, deserve to remain in the past...I don't want to hear about them, their families or their kids. Maybe I am holding a grudge. I don't know. I do know that there probably are people just like me who don't want to hear about me. And I'm actually fine with that. I guess in someways its the old Corey dilemma...I do not want to even hear about him from anyone. He pisses me off for what he did to me, but I can't express that to people who know him now. That wouldn't be fair to the person he is now, although I suspect that he hasn't changed much. And I feel like I've let the anger go, to a great extent. I get mad when I think about how he destroyed my last year in high school and how manipulative he was. I can't go around mourning for the person I was, or the person I could have been, though, I just have to move forward and play the hand I've been dealt.

I guess I wish I had it easy...I wish I had all the things I thought I was going to get if I was just "a good girl." The husband, the house, the kids, the career. None of those things really fell into place, though. The only thing that did was my desire to continue to go to school, because I really don't know anything else...well that's not true...I do know books and I'm hoping that I can make a life out of that. But who knows? We could all die tomorrow.

Love ss

And Then It Was Summer

2009-06-18T08:31:00.002-05:00

Today is day 4 of my summer vacation. I went to school yesterday to check over and send back proof pages.

Everything seems sort of blah. I could be doing 100 different things around my house, since I didn't get the job in Merrill and do not have to move, but just the thought of it makes me bored. I hate being bored. And I hate having a TV. I'm actually thinking of dropping my cable subscription, so I can use my TV for watching movies and stuff. With Hulu, this is a very good possiblity. Even the new book I got in the mail, which I was waiting for, is logged down in the middle of a very confusing, vaguely interesting story, but I just can't seem to get through it. Last night I spent four hours watching NCIS. I just can't summon up any interest in anything.

Even meeting with my FWB was...just fine. Usually I walk away from our encounters feeling happy and good about myself. Maybe it was the genuine relisation that he's really not going to be ready to have a life partner any time soon, maybe never. I just feel sad. Not sad in the my boyfriend broke up with me way, just sad in the I'm resigned to it way. Kind of let down, you know? Part of this probably comes from the fact that I check my facebook account everyday...usually in the morning and, I don't know, it all seems really impersonal. Maybe it's really facebook let down. I love being able to see what all my "friends" are doing, but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing anything.

However, this will change...I'm actually driving to Cleveland next weekend...note to self...call Ross! And I'm really excited about it. I love driving and I love road trips. I'm going to borrow the digital camera from school and take a ton of pics. Bear is my navigator, of course, so I'll take pics of him as we travel. Plus, I'm thinking of driving to Texas with Janette for a few days. I know...HOT, right? I'll live. As long as I avoid sugar-y drinks and stuff, I should be just fine.

Also up on my plate is me joining the Y. I promised myself I would do it, but I wanted to wait until the whole job possiblity thing came to fruition. I'm looking forward to daily workouts and walking...once the stupid yearbook is done...which really is never.

In addition, I'd like to:

1. Get a new tattoo
2. Study for my GRE
3. Get my apps for grad school squared away before school starts
4. There was something else, but I forgot what it was...I'm sure I'll remember it soon.

Anyway...as far as #1 goes, I have two ideas...one is a long standing one, the other is sort of new. I have a quote from a Throwing Muses song that I think I'll get on my lower back, above my "K". The other is for some little stars for my family. I try to make my tats as personal as possible, and I get sort of picky. We'll have to see.

Anyway...that's it. For now...I have to go and brush my teeth and go to school.

LOVE SS

Ugly Thursday

2009-05-28T06:50:00.002-05:00

I had an ugly Wednesday confrontation with the Title 1 person. It didn't help that I basically started crying...I'm ready to give up. She's actually the only person who understood that I have too much to do and not enough time to do it. I'm really considering doing something else. I'm very close to being burned out on this job and I'm tired of fighting. I hadn't realised that people talk so much behind your back about what you said...so I'm not going to say anything. Apparently, people do listen, but then they tell everyone within hearing distance what you said.

This just made me really upset, especially coming on the heels of last week's being questioned about why I kicked a student out of class. I feel like everything I know is being questioned and no one is here to support me with what needs to be done. And I'm tired. Very tired (another sign of being burned out, I'm told). I don't want to go to school today and I'm acutally thinking about calling in sick tomorrow. It's been too hard lately and I'm sick to death of it all. I've applied for three more jobs, in places I don't really want to live, but anything ANYTHING to get out of the situation I'm in right now. I hate it here. I'm tired of having to do things that I don't enjoy...and I no longer enjoy my job. Some days I just think that I want a job that I don't have to take home with me every night. (not that I actually take anything home, but the point stands). I no longer feel like I'm doing a good job.

I'm very upset and depressed. About everything. And when I get like this, I start to ask myself why bother? You know, I hate my job, I'm all alone, why bother even being alive, right? I've been walking around in a daze since this whole thing...it made me realize that no one is trustworthy and I have no one to talk to, because I don't trust anyone, at all. (at work at least) I just want to cry.

All I want to do is get in the car and drive away.

ss

Cats....

2009-05-23T11:42:00.003-05:00

So I heard from a friend that works at the Humane Society that they had about 60 cats up for adoption. So go take a look yourself...my favorite is David Letterman...at the bottom it says that "David Letterman is house trained." HAHAHA
http://www.couleehumane.com/adoption/

So I'm really not in the market for another cat, but there are several darlings that I'd love to take home and take good care of including Gahndi. However, I'm waiting for at least a year after I got Zoe, because I really think she needs to be very settled in and feel comfortable with Grim and me. Grim is grim...no more box squasing recently, but he has abandoned the end of the bed for somewhere else in the house, and Zoe has moved to the cat bed in the living room. She likes to stretch out on my multicolored rug from Ikea and she's been exhibiting the kind of behavior I usually see from cats that are pretty happy and comfortable...Like folding her paws as she lays on her back, laying on her side (which looks weird...only one foot in the back!) and letting Grim come up and lick her or touch noses. She's not yet the dominate cat, but I have a feeling she soon will be. Grim is used to being the low man on the totem pole, so he does subservant cat things, like lick her.

He's taken to annoyingly yelling at 5:30 in the morning and any time I try to go to sleep at night. I try to pet and comfort him, but this seems to be an outgrowth of his bedtime opra singing. Only at 5:30 in the am, I'm less than charmed.

Ok...go visit the cats. Then, if you feel you need to, go get a cat from your humane society. Jankin, I bet one would love your house and a litterbox in the laundry room, would be ok. Although, I bet you can't have cats. How sad. It would reduce your squirrel issues a bit. And the birds would love to tease what can't get out. Grim barks at the birds all day long...he moves from room to room to see where he can get the best view.

I should go and check my laundry and straighten up and take a nap.
Love
SS

The Thursday Doldrums

2009-05-14T07:46:00.002-05:00

I'm having a terrible case of the doldrums. I know all you need to do is imagine to get out of it, but frankly my imagination is all imaginationed out. I'm tired, too. I know why I'm tired, but I don't know why the doldrums have set in with such force. I was so tired all day yesterday, but then I went and saw Star Trek with my BF and we had a good time. But I was still tired...so tired that I laid in bed trying to decide what to read (been on a Lovecraft related kick lately) and I fell asleep. I didn't even turn off the light.

Usually by the end of the week, I actually have some energy and I'm excited to get stuff done...maybe I will be later on, but right now I could care less. I just keep makming stuff up for my Skills 9 students...I think today we will play wordo. Or maybe not. I don't know. We are currently working on puncuation and it's a real struggle for some of my more challenged students. I don't know what to do with them anymore.

But I'm wearing the fancy red and black plaid shoes and so I feel better about the world. All I have to do is look down. I'm thinking that I will go to the coffee house after school and read more of the Witchblade volume 1. Or it might be one of those nights where I go home and just go to bed. I have a few things to do around the house that I could do. Lately, because of illness, I've been going to bed pretty early. But I'm also trying to amoreliate some of my stress by using clonzepam. And I feel pretty hung over in the morning...mostly just sluggish and tired. I think I'll try a half tonight and see if that helps.

I sent an email to my sister...I got it and I'm not mad and you made some good points. I've been digesting it, among other things, and will get back to you soon. Don't worry. I've had a lot to digest lately, with classes at the U ending, finishing the yearbook and literally counting the days until I'm done with this year. I've already made plans for next year...if I don't find another job, that is. I have to resign from some of the comittees I'm on, because it's just overwhelming. I also already feel like no one trusts me to do a good job...maybe because of the lousy books/materials I was given for my classes when they refused to replace Read 180 (which costs too much and they wouldn't even consider a 90 minute block for it, yet they are willing to give me a 90 minute block to teach some stupid teacher proof program. And if I have to do the training, they better be paying me for my time...I already donate too much time to the yearbook as it is!) As you can see, I'm really ready to be done here. Even if it means moving to a small town for a year...it's not like it's the end of the world.

The department chair was here looking for books for the class that someone else decided that they wanted...instead of giving it to me, the one who had developed the class and invested a lot of time and money into it. She'll probably do a better job than I did. It's things like that that make me feel like a failure. That's another reason why I want to go somewhere else. I feel like I've done everything I can and I'm still a failure at it. I have a very hard time seeing the positives in life...I focus on the kids who make my life difficult and not on the kids who leave my class talking about a poem or a story we read. It's a constant fight. I just have to stop putting up with all the nonsense that is going on.

Moving someplace for a year to lick my wounds and feel like I was being successful might make me feel better...even though I have a great therapist right now. Anyway, it's time to go and read to my English 10 class.

SS

I want sweater clips, too!!

2009-04-30T21:05:00.006-05:00

I was jealous when I saw my sister's sweater clips...and of course I loved the one she liked the most, too. In order to assuage my jealousy, I bought shoes!

These are very cute and Very high...we'll have to see if I can handle the 4 inch heels when they come.

I also thought that the red plaid looked like a lot of fun! I can always use a pair of plaid shoes...I hope that Joyce likes them. I visited DSW and found these both on sale. I rarely wear nifty shoes like these red plaid ones, but they were so cute, I couldn't help myself...I think I can put together an outfit that compliments the shoes nicely.

Now if anyone wants to buy me a present, I simply ADORE these boots. They are also on sale at DSW.

I also purchased a deep wine colored dress and a very cute top from alight.com. I'll post more pics tomorrow. I have to go to bed soon...I got new pillow cases for my body pillows and new lampshades for the orange lamps. Tomorrow, I'm going to see a Shakespeare Play at the Black Box theatre at Viterbo College. The black box is pretty infomal...imagine theatre in the round if you will. Saturday I'm going to see the new Wolverine movie with my BF. When will I rest? When will I get my CV done?

Love SS

Friday part 2

2009-04-24T11:49:00.003-05:00

They listed "Hate My Way" as one of the 50 most heartbreaking songs of all time. While I love the first Throwing Muses album (c. 1985-ish), it definitely brings back memories, some not so pleasant. I got the album originally on tape from Corey. He told me he stole it from some girl because he thought that I deserved it more than her. I only ever listened to the first side for about 3 months (honest). By the time I was a senior, Corey hated the tape and told me he regretted giving it to me. But I played it every morning on my way to pick him up and haul his ass to school.

I'd have to think really hard about what was are my 50 most heartbreaking songs, but for sure, there'd be Throwing Muses and Kristin solo and stuff like that.

What do you think are your 50 most heartbreaking songs? How about 50 songs that make you happy or give you that get up and go feeling?

I'll send you a cd if you send one to me!!

Love Ss

Friday, Friday

2009-04-24T07:45:00.002-05:00

I suppose I should be doing something constructive, but I'm so tired I can barely think. Mom thinks that the fact that I still have some cramping and stuff is weird, but I think I should have taken the whole week off...I went to bed at 6pm last might and I'm still tired. I woke up at 12:30 and fed the cats and went back to bed. At 4ish there was a Thunderstorm and Bear snuggled in close and then I dreamed about FWB, Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping in a weird mall and some strange Laura Ingalls Wilder dreams. Then I got up and started my day by writing an apologetic email and calling mom.

I did buy a new dress...It's a purple crinkly satin with some pretty beading and emboiodery. I also got a top. I know, pictures to follow.

It is supposed to be 83 today. I just want school to be over. I just want this part of my life to be over...I'm looking for new jobs online, but just when I think that I'm ready to do it, I come up against my phobia about moving. I hate moving, and I can't figure out a cheap way to do it. I suppose I could give away all my furniture and just move books and clothes, but I really love my couch and my bed and the funky orange lamps from grandma's house. So do I just apply and deal with moving phobia if that becomes an issue?

There are several jobs in mom's area of the state, so I'm thinking that I'll apply for them...It will only be for one year and then I'll be going to grad school. I can't wait for that...I'm tired of all the crap that I have to put up with. I got yelled at because my office/classroom isn't as neat as it could be...got to set a good example for the yearbook kids...whatever. I'm pretty upset about it. To me, if I'm doing my job, why do you care what it looks like in my office where only 10 kids see it? I've turned out consistantly good yearbooks, in spite of the yearbook room and really I have more important things to worry about than the way it looks in here...honest. I wish I could be a better teacher...but you know what...I'll always only be me and I'm a bit scatter-brained and not interested in a place that's not interested in me...I mean, everyone here is married with children. No one realizes what it's like to be single and facing the idea that you'll never have kids, no one understands the way I feel about my family and the fact that I don't feel like anyone cares what happens to me, just the yearbook. And that sucks...doesn't everyone want to be recognized for what they do?

Honestly, I feel ready to give up and move back to mom's house and sub and find some other job on the side. I'm tired of fighting. Just tired.

SS

Facebook Friends

2009-04-21T17:32:00.002-05:00

Yes, I know, Facebook is still my current thing. Everyone I know should get a facebook page and I would add you...!

But there are other people that I won't add, no matter how much they beg (Corey) and then there are people I can't decide if I want to add as my friend. Case in point. I have a friend request from Tanya. She was a big Corey supporter back in high school, despite what he did to me. (Whatever happened between Corey and I was on the QT then.) However, when her sister had the misfortune of marrying into that family, I'm sure Tanya realized what kind of a pig Corey was. I hope so anyway.

So do I want her as a friend on facebook? Am I overanalyzing this whole thing? I was perfectly happy not knowing what she was doing and to be perfectly honest, I'd like to stay as far away from Corey's family. The only one who ever believed that Corey was beating me up was Cam. Honestly, I don't want to remember that time in my life everytime I look at my faceboook page. There are people I'm really happy to connect with (the Dittmar family, Joe, Brad, Ross...) and then there are people I wish would just disappear from my life (Corey...)

Anyway...

I'm feeling better than I have been...thanks to finding my vicodin pills. I'm actually doing stuff tonight...the last few days have been about sleeping off the after effects of the surgery. I'm still pretty tired and I've had some pain and bleeding the last few days. I know all of that will go away soon.

When I went in, I thought about talking to my doctor about getting pregnant. I'm scared (after all, my whole life up to this point as been about NOT getting pregnant.) but my doctor also mentioned that there is most likely a hysterectomy in my future (like in about 4-5 years from now) and now I'm sort of down to crunch time...Do I or not? If I do, what will my life look like? Do I really want kids?

What I really want is another person in my life...someone who loves me. Not necessarily a kid. I don't know, though...the one person I wouldn't mind having a kid with doesn't really want to have anymore kids...for good reason...and it would be awkward and strange. And I don't know how it would effect our current FWB relationship...He's a pretty involved dad with the son he had now...I don't know how we would handle it. I would have to go where my job takes me after grad school (which I hope to finish by the time I'm 42) and doing grad school and having a kid would be HARD...I'd have to have Mom move in with me. :)

Anyway...so much to think about so little time to do wash.

Love SS

One of the nicest days (so far)

2009-04-15T10:23:00.002-05:00

I walked my 10th graders to the nearby elementary school so they could read to the kindergartners. The weather was beautiful...like maybe 55 or so with a slight breeze and SUN! I'm actually sweaty for the first time in months...from outdoor exercise I mean. Having done this makes me realize I could realistically walk to school. I might be a complete ruin when I get there...but half an hour of nothing but me and the sun and some music, except when it rains.

Today is an all around better day for me. I don't know if its the drugs or the sun or what, but I'm feeling really good. I hope it lasts. I loved seeing kindergarteners. It makes what I do so fulfilling. I loved working with them and asking them questions and seeing them have fun with my kids. And my 10th graders did a fantastic job.

Have to go and visit the restroom before my next class...yearbook...Sigh...I have alot of work planned for that!

Love ss

Thanks!

2009-04-13T18:57:00.001-05:00

First of all, thanks to my sister who completely understood what I was saying. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about Corey anymore, but it usually makes me mad, so I try not to.

I just got back from seeing my mom. And my FWB. Nothing new on that front, really. I feel bad for him, because it sounds like things are not going well in the job department. I really, really hope he doesn't loose his job, because it's happened to me and it SUCKED! And I was just one person. Today, I was just thinking about how our relationship is sort of at a turning point...for me anyway. I laid in his bed this morning, thinking that I couldn't imagine living with him, because he has a lot of stuff from his ex-wife. I mean things like, curtians and stuff like that. Is that weird? I don't have anything that would remind me of Rich, except my wedding album and that is out in the garage. I also have a HUGE bear, but Big just hangs out and I don't think of Rich everytime I see him. Anyway...it just seemed like he would never be to the point where he was done with his ex. I know that they share a kid, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm jealous of how much time he spends with them. If I'm totally honest with myself...I love him, but I'm also tired of just being someone's FWB. I wish I felt different. I wish I could say that it would be easy to walk away from the "relationship" we have developed, but I can't. I miss him sometimes. I miss just being with a normal person, not someone I have to put on my school face for.

I asked my therapist, if I'm so wonderful, why am I alone? And that's what it comes down to...I don't feel like I'm wonderful...I just feel lonely. I miss having some companionship, maybe with a few strings attached, maybe with no strings. But no matter how I feel about him, I'm not waiting for him to get his life together. Or for his life to change to the point that he feels he could invite someone else into it.

I think part of this has to do with my surgery coming up on Friday. I've sort of put it out of my mind and just tried to focus on getting through the next week or the next day. But having yet more stuff cut out of my uterus makes me think that I'll never have kids, that I'll never meet someone who loves me for me. That I'll be all alone for the rest of my life. I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for me. I shouldn't. It's just that I don't know how to change it. What am I supposed to do to change this for me. I find it very hard to meet people and to get to know them. I've had my share of weird blind dates. And computer dating seems weird to me. It just does...I suppose I should just get over that, but I've only just created my own facebook page, and made contact with people I used to know...which was weird in and of itself.

I guess I'm done freaking out...I still have to be at school at the same time I always am tomorrow. And there are stupid meetings to attend. And the world keeps on spinning, even though I feel like no one cares what I have to say or how I feel. Which is insulted, right now and lonely.

I'll tell you what I feel insulted about later...

Love ss

La Crosse, it's not even a fun vacation destination.

2009-04-07T16:54:00.004-05:00

You know, I'm sick of people badgering me to vote...let's just say that I've lost the faith I may have once had in people. I don't really trust anyone in politics...and yes, I know that I've given up my right to complain...but since I don't complain about government and could care less what they do with the pittance they actually get from me via the landlord (and they actually PAY me more than the probably get in property tax from me anyway, so I think it's a fair deal). I used to think that Wausau was weird...but boy do people know how to hold a grudge around here or what? Two years ago some teachers at the high school across town got upset about the split of students and whined and complained to the school board...it seems that this issue has been up for debate for years and no one is ever happy with the outcome...don't teachers have other better things to do than to stir up bad feelings among their peers?

Really, there is something so backwards and ridiculous about this town...it's like people NEVER LEAVE, never move forward. And when someone does leave, they take a really crappy job and then come back to remind us how wonderful La Crosse is. Please...some days I'm sad I left Madison (only infrequently, but I do miss used book stores!!! which La Crosse has ONE of.)

We've had a rash of river drownings in the last several years...Young men get drunk and wander off into the river. Ok, so I lived in Wausau and you NEVER heard about someone getting wasted and wandering into the Lake Wausau or the river itself. I lived in Madison and literally right behind State Street you could walk right into the lakes. Yet, we never heard of people wandering in and drowning...Occasionally some drunk fool would steal a boat and go drunken boating and drown, but almost never like it is here. I mentioned this to my mom and she said, "Must be the Mississippi Sirens you have there..." So instead of blaming a serial killer, let's blame wierd supernatural, mythological creatures. I like that. But this has been an ongoing issue...and no one can seem to get it together enough to a) realize that you shouldn't just leave your friends alone at a bar (which most people in Madison get) and b) even though La Crosse is a small town, it's also a huge hub for all kinds of things...it's literally right off the interstate. And just minutes away from another 2 states all together. And finally c) you really shouldn't be drinking so much that you can't distinguish the north side from the south side (as one unfortunate soul did earlier this week). Let alone having hallucinations about Greek demi goddesses enchanting you into the river.

Yes, there are good things in La Crosse. But I'm about done with being here. I'm ready for the next challenge. First I have to get through this next bout of surgery and then we'll see what appears on the horizon.

Love SS

Saturday Night and Facebook

2009-04-04T20:59:00.002-05:00

So it's Saturday night and I'm at home...I did some long needed rearranging and cleaning. Now I'm supposed to be paying bills online, but instead I went on Facebook and looked at all the people that I'm supposed to know? Do I want to get to know them again?

I'm disappointed that Corey is on there and actually we share a "friend." What do I say? Ummm...he hit me? He raped me? Basically destroyed my life for twenty years? (Really that's giving too much power to that schmuck!!) Anyway...is it my responsiblity to keep this a secret or do I tell people? And if I tell people, how much to do I say? I've never forgiven him. Never. I've decided that he doesn't much matter in my life, now, but in the past...I never want to see him again. So many people didn't know about what happened...It's like that line from an old Throwing Muses song, "Nobody knew, so nobody cared." (I just spent15 m inutes finding the song so I could listen to it...)

It's hard to try wipe away huge chunks of your memory. There are parts I remember like it was yesterday and parts I can barely remember...and parts that I don't want to remember. And I wonder if I made it all up, because its so blurry and I can't sort out the seperate parts anymore. There are things I do remember...a huge fight we had in September when he spit blood on me, after I slapped him in the face, because he was making no sense, just being plain stupid...really it was an accident, he turned to look at me as I hit him and I cracked him a good one in the nose. Or the time he held me down on the floor and raped me. That's a good one. And others...like him freaking out at a friend's house and demanding that he take down the door I had locked so he could get at me. This friend pointed out that the hinges were on the inside making it impossible to take apart.

But, in general, he just made my life miserable. Ignoring me at school. Expecting me to do his biding for everything. I was never good enough to talk to at school, but I was good enough to fuck. Oh I know that he was fucking other people...I'm not that naive...I know now and I knew then.

I'm listening to a TM song that used to remind me of him...It still does, but it's ok. I remember it as part of my driving home from the city and crossing the old snake bridge and listening to it. It doesn't dig up horrible memories of him.

In some ways, there are people that helped me survive. It was getting away from Wausau until the memories died away and now I can drive around the city I grew up in and not cringe when I see old places. I feel nostalgia, but not enough for me to really want to go to the reunion. Is it this year? I guess it is. There will be another in 5 years.

The other part of Facebook is that most of the people are in completely different places than I am. I don't have kids. I don't have a husband or a boyfriend. Overall, as I've said before, I'm pretty happy. I occasionally look at the grad school list of classes and I'm so excited!!! It's like academic porn. :) I feel...I don't know...like I have something to prove to myself and to all the people who never believed that I was smart (someone told me recently that I was brillant...) or that I could do this. I can and I will...but not for them, for me. Because ultimately, it's what I want to do.

Ok..gotta actually go pay those bills.

Love SS

Dating...Yes or no?

2009-04-01T12:16:00.003-05:00

I've been divorced for a long time...almost nine years. It seems a bit ridiculous to be thinking that my only marriage should be my only shot at having someone in my life. Everytime I ask myself this question or even think about it, I come up with a few things that I know about myself and wonder if having a "one and only" is right for me. First of all, I like my space....I'm really particular about this. I hate having my space invaded by others. I often complain about people never coming to see me, but most of the time it's ok. I think my house would be neater if people actually did come and see me, but since no one does, having underware on the couch is ok. (Sorry Janette!) It's usually clean. But since I usually don't wear any, it's unusual to have it on the couch. (I wear a lot of pantyhouse and tights and I just don't feel comfortable wearing stuff under them...thanks dance class!) My cats are happy and I'm happy and we spend a lot of time hanging out at home alone.

Right now, I'm really busy. I literally spend the entire school year working on school related stuff or trying to de-stress from school related stuff. I often wonder what it would be like if my FWB became something more and I'm sure we'd never see each other, even if we lived together because we are both so busy.

I like being alone. Not many people can say that and mean it. I like seeing movies on Sunday afternoon by myself. I like going to the bookstore by myself. I like having coffee and reading comics by myself...don't get me wrong...sometimes I do get lonely. But most of the time, being able to sing out loud in the car makes all the difference in the world!

Overall, I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out. I'm still on track to go to grad school and I really want to. If only because dealing with college students is somehow more fulfilling. And I like going to school. I like learning. I like research. I have alot of fun. And it's an opportunity to meet people who share similar things to me.

So...dating yes? dating no? I'm going with the dating no option today. I've been seeing a therapist lately and he's been encouraging me to be more open and honest with myself and consequently with my FWB. FWB and I have had several heart to heart talks recently that make things between much clearer. I'm not sitting around waiting for the world to end or for anyone or anything! I have stuff to do. Maybe when that's done, then we'll see.

SS

Grim in Box

2009-03-30T10:21:00.003-05:00

Here's a picture of Grim in "his" box. He manges to smoosh himself completely into this box and falls asleep. I keep telling him, that he is too big for his box (and it's not as if he's grown or anything.) But he keeps smooshing himself in. It takes him like 20 minutes to smoosh himself into the box, but he usually falls asleep then.

Say "smoosh" and "box" and "Grim" ten times and tell me you don't think it's funny.

Sorry it's blurry. Apparently I'm not that good with my phone's camera, yet.

Love Sleepysweet

some mornings

2009-03-24T07:57:00.002-05:00

The last two mornings have been hell. I haven't been able to get out of bed and have overslept both days. I'm pretty tired right now, but I should be perking up in the next few minutes...I just took my budeprion and that usually helps me focus a little more. Right now, I'm trying to remind myself why I do this.

I'm trying my best to remain upbeat and positive. I'm pretty tired and that makes it hard. I think the extra tiredness is because I switched up my 5htp a little. I got a combo that has 30mg of 5htp along with l-theraine (i think, anyway) and melatonin. I don't really need all that, I now realize. I could sleep most anywhere, anyway, so all I'm really looking for is an improvement in my mood. And the 5htp really helped that. I think I'll take only one (the bottle recommends 2) and see if I have any better luck with that.

I'm supposed to see my BF tonight...his wife is out of town and I think he's just lonely. I'm tempeted to say that I have something going on and then just stay at home. I really just want to go to bed...or to at least try and move my stupid coffee table. It's been bugging me for the past three weeks and I think tonight might be the night. I bought some plants that are languishing because of the lack of light and water, so this will be a good move.

I just purchased some more comics. What a pathetic looser I am. But now I have to go and earn the money to pay for these.

Sleepysweet

First day back

2009-03-23T12:29:00.002-05:00

It's the first day back after Spring Break. We found out that one of our faculty members died from cancer on Sunday morning. It's sad around here, but I'm trying to work on feeling positive. I finally agreed to take on english 11 and I get a novels class as a bonus. Doesn't mean I'm still not looking for a new job...In fact I've pounded out a very over the top letter to the nice folks in Medford. I have to work on that tonight...I have a rough draft of a CV and I'm still planning on going to grad school. We'll see what happens.

I'm wearing my new black dress...I dug out a black slip, found some black nylons and I'm wearing clogs...but not like '70's clogs, more like 2.5 inch heels with cute double band across the front like a mary jane, but not. I've been wearing my boots and loving the new blue socks I bought to wear with them. I'm thinking that tomorrow might have to be red striped socks day, but I left my goth shoes at my FWB house. I told he could do what he wanted to the shoes, as long as they were clean when I got them back. He put them in the closet. *SIGH*

Otherwise the first day has been ok...there was a fight in the commons and students were ticketed, but besides that...it's been alright. It's supposed to rain, but it's just dark and gloomy out. I wish I were back home and in bed with Bear and the cats.

Bear's new eyes came, so now we have extras in case his eye falls out again. It was a horrible day at our house...Bear didn't want to leave, because he couldn't see and he cried and cried. I had to go to work and I left him home. He was so upset. Luckily, I came home and found his eye and everything was alright. I apparently hadn't snapped his eye in tight enough when it came loose the day before and when I set him upside down on the drying rack, it fell onto the floor. But all is better now.

I better go...I've got to teach two more classes, attend a faculty meeting and then run to my other class at the U. Whew!

Sleepysweet

Ahhh...Spring Break!

2009-03-17T13:33:00.004-05:00

So here it is...Spring break at last. Of course I couldn't just go through spring break without someone messing with my head. On Saturday before I left to go to my mom's, I saw what next year's schedule looked like...and I have to teach English 11, because someone else wants my Basic 10 class. This person was one of the people who really wanted the English 11 change and now she wants out. All she taught this year was English 11. And now she wants a class that is going to be full of students who can't really read, with no curriculum to speak of and some of the worst behavior problems in the school. I think what really gets me is that she has no experience with modifying for special ed students...she didn't do this year for the class that had the lowest level of readers in it and she's not a literacy person. So that pissed me off. And my other choice was to bump the person lower than me in seniority and give him five preps, which I've done and don't want to push that off on to someone else, because it is hell.

So I'm looking for a new job.

And I saw my FWB last night and it was good. We always spend time talking, which is great, because I don't feel like I get to spend time talking to people. We talked about his trip with his ex-wife and son to St. Louis. And really, it was interesting, but it also made me sad that I spent so much of my life not knowing what to do and then being afraid to do it. I asked him how the trip with his ex-wife went and we started talking about that, and he said, "We both needed something that the other person couldn't give." I want to know if I have that...I like to think I do, but I'm afraid that I have other plans that probably won't involve him. I mean what we have right now is good. Really, it is. We are what each other needs...adult companionship and we like a lot of the same stuff and I know he's not ready for a "relationship" and I'm not either, because whether it happens tomorrow or next year, I'm going to grad school. I simply cannot stand having so little control over my life. Really.

Let me put it this way...In most jobs, your boss tells you to do something. He doesn't tell you how to get it done, just that it needs doing. If it's a project, you could procrastinate for a few days or a week and then do it or do it right away whatever...not so in schools. You might have to teach something you don't like (I know you can't always teach what you like, but imagine being stuck with American Literature. YUCK! I avoided taking that class all the way through my undergrad and only took it when it was required and got lucky and had a great teacher!) Here's the kicker, though. You don't get to choose what you want to do...there is very little freedom in the average high school department. I get assigned my classes and someone with seniority can say they want the class and then I don't get to teach it anymore. Doesn't matter that it is one of my favorite classes or the idea that I'll have the same group of kids. There needs to be a Radical overhaul of this department, really. I don't think it's fair that senority gives you the right to take away a class from someone.

Part of my upsettedness over this has to do with the idea that when I shared an office with this person, they talked behind my back with our other officemate. As if I couldn't possibly sympathize with what was going on in thier life. And didn't even stop when I came in the room. Just lowered her voice and kept going. I'm glad I moved into the yearbook room. I'll be glad to move out of it as well and somewhere else.

So here's hoping that I can find another job. Contracts aren't generally due until April 1, so things look slim now...but I'm hoping I can find something...hell, I'd be happy with a part time job teaching reading somewhere...anything to get out of this.

Ahhh...Spring Break!

2009-03-17T13:33:00.001-05:00

Change...who likes it?

2009-03-12T09:56:00.002-05:00

I found out that I will probably not be teaching one of my low level English classes. This frustrates me, because we have eliminated the lowest level of Sophomore English, so the students I have now (many of whom are very low level readers) will end up with a teacher who knows very little about teaching reading and literacy. This frustrates me, because how is this doing what's best for these kids? They'll just end up back with me for their junior and senior years anyway...

But this brings a bigger question...is the reason I'm so opposed to this because I really believe that these kids need me or is it because it brings up the possiblity of change? Is the fact that I don't want to do this because it means that in the four years I've been here I've taught Senior English, English 10, Basic 10, Skills 10, Skills 11/12, Skills 9 and the yearbook. And I feel like the yearbook is the class I'm the most responsible for...my skills are not being used to teach reading, but to do something I totally hate doing, but do ok at. To be honest, I'd do ok doing anything, but I want to be using my reading degree. I went to school for that, didn't I? Not to be an advisor for a program that everyone loves to hate?

So I just got a phone call from a mom who's daughter wanted to make sure the "right" picture got put in the yearbook. HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT!? Do you see what kind of banality I deal with everyday? I know that this is HUGELY important for some people, but not for me. And I ask myself everyday, if this is what I want to keep doing for the next year...just about the time I get myself convinced that I can stick it out for another year, I get a ridiculous phone call or someone takes away one of the classes that I'm qualified to teach and that's it...I know I have to find something else.

So I continue my quest for grad school. I've got a rough draft of my personal statement written...now it's just a matter of time before I get everything together. I think that this is what my spring break will be all about...getting things set up so I can find a new a job and get into grad school. Enough worrying about yearbook pages and reading classes...

SS

As Requested

2009-03-05T07:28:00.008-06:00

As requested here are pictures of the dress and the boots...I don't have a camera handy, so I copied the pictures from the web. The dress ties in the back and has very cute lacy, eyelit sleeves (from the great folks at alight.com). I wanted it in red too, but had to settle for a skirt that is really cute, so it wasn't a big deal. Sheer overskirt, over a satin-y underskirt.

The boots are, of course, docs. I love docs...and I haven't had a pair in years, so I decided that the time was now. I thought about getting my old stand by, the 8 hole 1460s, but decided that I liked the stitch detailing across the toes, not knowing that these had steel toes in them. I bought them in 8's, because I (generally) wear a 7.5 and I thought bigger = better, right? But, sadly, no (and not just in boots, but I digress). I got them and they were HUGE. So I gave them to Jan and ordered a size down. Jan--think of them as a Christmas, Birthday, Christmas present.

Iwas going to order black and white striped tights to wear, but I accidently ordered red and black instead...but i think it is a happy accident, because the red and the black will still look cool. I also have a nifty pair of AMAZING goth shoes (jan knows the ones i'm talking about) that I think will also work with black tights (probably a patterned tight or a lacy tight) and the dress. It's a sort of punk-y look that I really like. I'd go really light on the jewelry...Big hoops (in silver, of course) and I have a pendant made of black druzy that has deep purple and blue highlights (but not with the red and black tights, of course...they are sort of an accessory all to themselves). If you love socks, like I love socks, check out http://www.sockdreams.com/. They have everything from baby socks (so cute) to sexy lacy thigh highs. The perfect finsihing touch that every girl needs.

So J. What do you think?

Love Sleepysweet

Twitter away your general sense malaise with a good snow storm!

2009-02-25T11:50:00.002-06:00

I'm wasting time when I should be grading papers for my college class. I have a cold sore the size of Mt. Rushmore, or some other suitably large place, and it has friends...lots of other little cold sore friends.

After I found out that someone else wanted to know what I was doing every minute of the day, I started twittering in earnest yesterday. Just go to twitter.com and find out what it's all about.

We are supposed to get ice and snow tomorrow. I personally could use a good snow day, but I don't think anyone wants one because we are already going to school until the middle of June. I mean it...June 13. How ridiculous!

Thinking that a new dress and some new footware might make me feel better, I finally broke down and order a new pair of Docs. They are a bit more stylish (I think) than your typical Doc. I also ordered a black dress...I wanted the red one, too, but they are sold out. I got a pretty skirt instead. I think with a new pair of black and white striped socks, the dress and the boots will look smashing together. They'll even look smashing without the the socks, but...

So...yes a general maliase has fallen over the yearbook room. I NEED to take yoga so bad! I need to get to the gym. Federal govt get me my refund check! My lip itches and I've applied about 100 thin coats of abbrevia. The abbrevia seems to irritate my excema and then I've got an itch, a sore and a rash. Yuck! I definitely need a day off.

Love
sleepysweet

Worry...Worry...Worry

2009-02-17T11:54:00.003-06:00

I want a new job. I'm tired of listening to people complain and not do anything but blame it on someone else...usually the special ed folks. I'm tired of fighting with my yearbook kids to get anything done. I'm tired of dealing with a system that gives lip service to literacy, but looks the other way when it comes to actually doing something about it. I'm just plain tired.

I don't know exactly where this general sense of frustration and exhaustion are coming from. Really, I don't. I'm always really stressed this time of year...color pages are due...students are coming around for class recommendations...and how can I recommend somebody take a class if I don't know who will be teaching it? Students are antsy for spring break, and don't want to work. And frankly, I don't want to work either. I just can't put my finger on what my problem is...I've been looking for other jobs and trying to make the universe understand my desicion to look for another job. Parent teacher conferences and not being able to make the yearbook make money.

I'm terribly overscheduled and I haven't had enough alone time in weeks...I think that's the problem. I desperately need to be alone to snuggle with my kitties and clean my apartment...to read a couple of good books and to not even think about the next day. But I want to do my resume and apply for actual jobs and stuff like that. And the only time to do it is on the weekends. :(

So hopefully after this week things will return to something like normal. I hope so.

love sleepysweet

10 Things that are making be happy today...

2009-02-08T19:29:00.003-06:00

1. I had a hot ham sandwich from the supermarket!
2. I just had taco dip, also from the supermarket!
3. I drank a whole ton of water...it's dry here.
4. Grim sat on my lap and watched tv with me.
5. The dishes are in the dishwasher.
6. I've decided to rearrange my apartment a tiny bitty-bit.
7. I made a cd for someone. I'm not telling who, but if you like techno and want in on this one time cd made from the middle of my playlist, let me know soon. Don't worry Jan, I've got some ideas for one for you, too.
8. I have successfully downloaded a whole bunch of stuff.
9. I emailed my (boy)friend from high school...not the shitty one, the reasonably nice one. JD. He's married, but we're talking a lot via email...when I get my act together. **I should add that there is nothing romantic about this...we're just two friends reconnecting...we had a lot in common before.**
10. I finished the self test for being an ajudicator of forensics. I thought I lost it, but I found it by my book bag.

Frustration

2009-02-03T10:11:00.001-06:00

I'm frustrated...I should be doing a bunch of other things, but here I am...frustrated.

Let's give credit where credit is due...

2009-01-21T14:09:00.002-06:00

So Monday was the staff meeting where the literacy comittee stood up and talked about what we were doing. After it was all said and done, one of our comittee members stood up and gave kudos to the person who is teaching the basic literacy class. Never mind that I do that everyday and have been for the last three years. It's my job and all that, but I never get any credit for what I do everyday and that makes me feel lousy and even less like I want to come to school.

Afterwards at the department meeting I "expressed" my concerns over the class size issue. And it just felt snotty. Like "we all know what your going through and the students you have are tough..." Yeah, I know that, and really it's no one's fault...no one has ever said anything to me.

Ok, so this is a little self pity party...sort of...but I'm done now. I like my job and I really love my kids...I'm sort of "mom" to some of them. But...well the yearbook is hanging over my head like a ton of bricks and then there is the smart comment about how the yearbook shouldn't be completely broke (but we are...) from the former advisor. He started out with six thousand dollars. He didn't have to worry about it. I do. And I was honest with my students in telling them that we have to do something. They decided to run another ad campaign and see if we could get more people to advertise in the book. Thank god the school year is half over. I don't know if I could take it if this were only November.

I've had to face the fact that I just don't like the former yearbook advisor. According to everyone I've talked to, he whined incessently about having the yearbook. And I've had it twice as long now as he had it. I know more about the program and have turned out consistantly beautiful, if flawed books. (There are always mistakes in a yearbook...look at your old ones sometime...) I'm much more laid back about it. Except when I lay in bed at night and worry and then I have to get up and take clonzepam to just get some sleep.

Thanks for letting me vent, yet again,
sleepysweet

Work Related Angst

2009-01-18T10:05:00.003-06:00

I'm generally not an "angsty" type person...really...but I woke up this morning having to admitt that I was/am in the midst of a real anxiety head trip. In reality, I know that I haven't been taking my medication the way I should (like daily) but I've been stuck at home due to severe OUTSIDE cold and I'm really suffering from cabin fever on top of it all.

So here is my work angst in no particular order:

1. It's that time of year when everyone is having issues, due to cuts in the number of sections we have in our department. Every year the English department looses sections and as a result class numbers start to climb. And then I get the "look." I could be imagining it, but, because I teach "skills classes" I'm limited to the number of students I get. That could change, and I've advocated for that, especially because I am no longer tied to the read 180 program. I could easily service a larger number of students who are reading below reading level.
2. Tied to this, the "literacy" class is being taught by some one who is NOT a qualified reading teacher. Can you say, "against the law"? NCLB requires a "highly qualified" teacher...not a gym teacher who knows a little about reading.
3. Also tied to this, is where I'm teaching. I'm here to change lives, to do what is best for my students, what I know is best for my students in my heart and in my gut. However, we have a new literacy person who came from Colorado. I love her approach, which says that we should be offering literacy support to all the students and that poor behavior is not an excuse to dismiss a student from a class. We have had a lot of behavior issues this year. Things have really come to a head because of the addition of the math person to the literacy committe. She came in very negatively and seemed to be unwilling to listen. Then again, our literacy cooridinator wasn't the best at listening either, but to me this is the end. If we are going to make changes, we can't continue to look for excuses, whether it's the population (how is our population different from the population in other places? More behavior problems? More special ed? How do other districts do it?) or the community or the staff. It makes me want to cry.

I'm already so frustrated with my job...this is the part of the job I hate the most. Really.

More to come...
Sleepysweet

A conversation

2009-01-06T11:59:00.003-06:00

I was reading my sister's post about being in her 30's and liking it a lot better than when she was in her 20's. I then had a conversation about this very exact thing with my FWB. He told me that he missed being in his 20's...the excitement of finding out who you are and where you are going.

I think that's what my 30's are all about. Afterall, you are reading someone who didn't decide that she wanted to teach until she was 27. Didn't get my first teaching lisence until I was almost 30. (And just ate the little paper scrap they put in the hershey's chocolate kiss...don't let being 38 fool you, I'm still a putz.) There are a lot of reasons why, but I think the most important thing...or at least the most overriding thing...was the fact that I spent a lot of my 20's depressed.

Now when people talk about being so depressed they can't get up and function, I know what they mean. However, I was raised to be at work no matter what, and considering there was no one else to pay the bills, it was either work or get evicted. So I worked, miserably.

Perhaps it's time for a little background...My dad died when I was 17 and I had an abusive boyfriend for my entire senior year. Looking back at my diaries, it's clear to me that I was always a bit of a recluse and a bit depressed. I rarely felt happy, although there are times I know I was. My first year of college was ok...I met my friend Ross (we bonded over our mutual love of bears...his bear is Squish, mine is Bear) and I met my long term and ever suffering boyfriend James, and my part time/some times boyfriend, Scott. It was all ok.

Then my sophomore year, my mom didn't send me the money to pay for my books and I started not going to class. I didn't want to drop out and I attended almost all my classes except German. I started the year wanting to break out of the shell I'd been in since my horrible senior year and meet new people. I started German by sitting in the wrong class...it was all horribly embarassing...After all, Corey had taught me that people were always judging me and that I was stupid no matter how hard I tried to do things the right way.

Yikes, I just looked at the time...I'll continue my sordid (my word for the week) saga of my pitiful 20's next time...

Love sleepysweet

My own weird soapbox

2009-01-05T19:20:00.002-06:00

First of all, I have two things to say today...one of them is that being a teacher is tough work and most people have no clue what it's like to stand in front of kids everyday and try to get them interested in learning about anything. I was just at Susan Ohanian's site and saw/read somethings that really make me wonder if we are ever going to get out of the public school mess we are in. Let me explain...

Many people out there in the "real world" believe that school isn't hard enough. They think that things should be different, and yet paradoxically remain just the way they were when they were in school. On the day that you parents stop expecting me to raise your kid, instilling in him or her the values that they should get at home, then I'll be able to teach your kid something. But until then I have to wipe runny noses and make sure fights do not break out and teach your kids to read. Did I mention I teach high school?

Now granted, high school is a hot bed of emotions and contradictions. I studied adolescent psych at there teacher school I went to. But I have never seen such bad behavior. And behavior that can't be controlled because the parents are WORSE than the kids. Do you know how many kids I see everyday that have fucked up parents that are fucking their kids up, too? How am I supposed to fight that? Let's not even get into the fact that on top of teaching your kid, I'm supposed to teach anywhere from 25 to 30 other kids who have the same problems as your kid, or different ones or ones that are even worse. So when you come in and ask me what I'm doing to prepare your child for the 21st century, don't expect me to be happy about it. I'm just trying to do a better job than you did and you see this kid 16 hours more a day than I do...hell technically it's at least 23 hours and 15 minutes more than I see your kid on any given day. What are YOU doing to prepare your kid for the 21st century? You sure aren't making them polite or kind...some of them are the most self centered people you could ever meet. They live in thier own little world. One that you helped them make, by giving them a cell phone and a computer and never forcing them to go outside, to go swimming in real lake water or to ever look at a meteor shower.

Don't get me wrong...not every kid is like this. But many are and many resist our efforts as teachers to get them interested or motivated in anything. But how can we change the this for the better? Here are my opinions only, backed up by no scientific proof at all.

1. We need parents to be parents. Read to your kid. Teach your kid it's not nice to hit others or take stuff off other kids plates or to be loud and disgusting. Teach them to say excuse me and thank you. Remind them that there are other people in the world too, who have needs that might outweigh their own. Don't let them get what ever they want whenever they want it and know that they will always know more about computers than you ever will, so make sure the computer is in the living room and you are WATCHING what they are doing.

2. Adopt a school year that mimics the private school year in Britian. Research shows that most kids loose about three months worth of reading progress over the summer vacation, unless they are reading, in which case they make huge gains. With shorter, more frequent vacations, families will be able to take trips without having to pull their kids out of school for weeks at a time. Students won't loose as much during shorter vacations.

(My sister called me and I lost my train of thought....sorry.)

3. Kids need to read more. I know, I know, everyone is telling me that reading and books will be obsolete, but unless we go back to an entirely symbolic language, it seems likely that we will need to continue to read. Reading instruction and lifelong reading habits creates thinking kids. I'd rather that my kid had sex, told me about it and told me that he got the idea from reading than from some stupid movie. And what's up with censorship? Why is a book worse than a movie? Is it because you can go back and reread? Is it because you have to use your imagination? Can't let that happen! We only want kids who can look at information and decide what's useful. We don't want kids imagining! Stop before the world crumbles.

4. That's not to say that other subjects aren't useful, but if you can't read...well...what good is understanding history? Or art or anything for that matter? I have students who don't belive that they will ever have to read again once they graduate. Nice, huh?

Ok, that's enough of my weird soapbox. I generally don't like politics, but man, the whole school thing really gets on my nerves.

More once I remember what the rest was supposed to be.
Love sleepysweet.

ARRRRRRGH! NO MORE SNOW!!!!!

2008-12-22T12:38:00.002-06:00

As of today, we have had 25.5 inches of the white stuff...and more is to come tomorrow, when I'm supposed to drive to my mom's and see my FWB. Hopefully, by the time I leave it will have it out of its system for a bit.

Today is also my birthday...when people ask me if I have plans, I have to say no. I don't have anybody to have plans with. They all ask if you are going out to eat, which would be nice, but again, alone.

I'm actually thinking about renting a car for the weekend, because of the weather. I love my car, but in bad weather, it can be very scary.

I just want to get home. Really. I can't even believe that we have school these two days. I keep hoping for a snow day tomorrow, which would be SWEET! but with my luck, it won't snow at all tonight and the other districts around have already gone on break. It seems like our district waits until it sees what other districts do and then follows them. I don't mind going an extra two days of school.

I have a lot to do over break...grade papers for my college class and for my kids, write finals for my classes...stuff like that. An extra day would help me tremendously!

Ok, sorry for this lame post. I don't really have much to say, I guess.

Love Sleepysweet

Let it snow, let it snow

2008-12-01T14:51:00.002-06:00

It snowed about 4 inches here. It was hellish driving, but I love the way snow looks. It covers up every horrible thing and makes it all good again. For a while at least.

It's been a good, but tough Monday. I'm hoping that my new cat will be ready to go tonight...I'm really excited to have a second feline. We are renaming her Zoe (sorry I can't figure out how to do umlauts...) and I think she will be a great addition to our little househould. I miss my Sammy a lot, but I think Grimmy misses him more. He's been jumping in and out of boxes and yelling and just generally being a pain in the ass. That's him. He was very good while I was gone, so that's one thing.

Zoe is a three legged tortiseshell. She is really pretty and purrs like the dikens. Just like my old Shango, who purred no matter what. I'm really excited to work on getting her rehabed from losing her back leg and getting her up and jumping and running around.

Otherwise it is pretty much the same as ever. I feel sad for leaving my FWB and wish that I could be part of his life in a much bigger way, but I don't think that will be happening any time soon. Not unless I find another job...which I would love to find nearer to where he and my mom live. I really believe that everyone has enough love for all the people in thier lives. Let me explain...my friend really loves his kid...He wants to make sure that his child knows that he is loved and cherished for the rest of his life, no matter what. And really what more can a parent do or want? But can you let someone else into your life to love at the same time...even if it makes life a little more complicated? Is there such a thing as loving someone else? I think so, and I think that he will come to realise this as his son gets older, especially if he continues to make some good developmental strides...I'm not asking for a lot, just for my friend to consider this...

I guess I'm not making a whole lot of sense here...let's see if I can do a better job...I have always believed that you can love many people, that there's not just one person you are meant to love, because each person you love brings something for your soul, something that other people can't. Now, do I want to move in and be someone's wife? Not particularly. But I'd like something a little more permanent than just "whenever it fits into my schedule" kind of thing. But in this case I'm up against two stumbling blocks, that as I think of it are really just one. My friend doesn't want to date...that means we do not see movies or go anyplace in public. We do not want our relationship to be known to anyone, other than a select few people (probably more on my side than on his.) But his reluctance to date someone has to do with the fact that he really is focussed on his son and his son's development and progress. So really it's the same thing.

I guess I want the permance, but not necessarily the togetherness. I'm really a loner. I do stuff by myself. I live alone (not counting cats) and I get really, really irritable when I have to put up with people in my space or with people taking advantage of my time. That being said, what my friend and I have works well for us, because we are pretty much the same in the respect. I don't want to live with someone. I don't want to get married. I'm not even sure I want (or could handle) having a kid, but I'd probably welcome it if it happened. But probably not today. Or this month...anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm torn between wanting to be someone's special somebody and wanting to live my own life....I want to be more a part of my friend's life than he's willing to let me be and I'm currently willing to go along with that.

However, I'm looking for a new job, because I feel like this deserves more time. If after two years of living near him, it doesn't progress to a different level, I'll just take my losses and go back to grad school (which I would probably do anyway...especially if I don't get a new job...)

Ok, school is almost over and I have to run,
love sleepysweet

Thanksgiving Craziness

2008-11-30T12:15:00.002-06:00

So my mom is currently making the second thanksgiving dinner I've had in the last four days. I'm ok with that...what I'm not ok with is my nephews running around and generally being kids. I live alone for a reason apparently. I was hoping for a quiet extended weekend and honestly I'm more stressed than if I had done a day of Iss duty at school.

And it is snowing.

And I have to drive to abbotsford before I get to go home. (To drop off aforementioned nephews...hopefully my sister won't be late, as she usually is...)

However, seeing my FWB was worth it. I love being able to see him on the day before thanksgiving because we never have get up early...we can lay around and...well, you know...
I'm always kind of sad when I have to leave, but I always try to get something set up before I leave...I'm hoping that we can work something out for Christmas. Otherwise it will March before we can see each other again.

I"m trying hard to be in a thankful mood, but it's just not working.

Love
Sleepysweet

ghostly felines and mmm...good bathing for all

2008-11-16T10:25:00.002-06:00

So last night, it seemed as though Sam came back for a visit to play with Grim...While there was no actual sightings, Grimmy acted just like he used to with Sam around. Grim had set up shop in an empty box. As I walked by, he leapt out with a confused look on his face and proceded to race about the room as if being chased...a huge fan favorite when there were two kitties here. He ended up on top of the recliner, ears back, crouched as if to leap onto an unexpecting feline passer by. He then leaped down and raced into the bedroom to hide.

I asked him if Sam was chasing him, but he looked at me as if I were crazy. I hope it was Sam coming back to say goodbye to his feline buddy. I hoped that he stayed around long enough to snuggle with me in bed, but alas, he did not. Perhaps he will visit again. I've never really had a cat like Sammy. Shango taught Grim that his place was at the end of the bed, while she got her own pillow to sleep on right next to me. Grim taught Sam that as well, but Sam didn't always abide by the rules...occasionally I'd wake up from sleeping on my side and feel Sam's back pressed up against my back as he slept all stretched out. Or he'd snuggle next to me on the couch. I always joked that he was really a dirty old man, then a dog in his previous incarnations (can you say nipple licker?...my sister can vouch for this...) I hope he comes back as someone wonderful for someone else to love as much as I loved him...in cat form.

Now for the second part of my report from my outpost here watching the snow fall (I accidently typed "snot" for "snow" which also has been falling, especially at school, where sometimes a full third of my class is out sick with some horrible disease...or they just don't care and are truant.) Baths have returned in profusion at my house...I don't have the best bathtub for soaking and reading, but I do my best...lately, with my bad chest cold a hot shower does wonders as well.

I love smelly stuff...I love incense...I have a beautiful bronze colored pot from the "Janette" collection full of unburned sticks and they smell really great. I made my mom find me candles from the Tyler Candle Company while she was in Texas (SMELL FAB!!) and I love the archipelgo candle company's rich smelling candles, especially stonehenge. But you can also find me smelling candles at such low brow places as Target...Their saffron and clove candle ROCKS! And in the shampoo and bath products aisle. My sister and I often spend a good twenty minutes smelling deodrant together before deciding on which on we like best. When I lived in Madison, I spent more time and money at the Soap Opera buying essential oils to wear as perfume (BTW if anyone can find the old "white birch" they used to carry I would be grateful...I've been hording my last little tiny bit for the last several years...).

I'm not really a DIY-er, so I look for other people with more time and more passion on thier hands to do my creating for me and these are for sure my top five good bath smells for this week:

1. Witchy by Woobie Check out their HUGE scent list at http://www.woobiebath.com/regularscents.htm
I also really like Exotic, Blissful, spicy and dreams, but Witchy is my hands down favorite. I'm planning on getting myself some of their shower goo and the body butter which is GREAT for super dry skin...my skin can be really sensitive, but I've had nothing but great luck with this company. Plus my FWB really likes the cinnamon smell.

2. Tramp by Lush
I love the patchouli, oak moss and melissa scent of this really green fun bath gel. I wish they made a matching perfume or lotion or something. I'm dying to try their goth juice on my hair...someone posted on Amazon a recipe for a great way to use this gel as a spray gel with water and sea salt. Anything to revive my curls and waves. I guess a good haircut would help, too, but I'm kinda poor right now.

3. My cheap substitute for right now...Boothe's Rosemary and Mint three in one shampoo, shower goo and bubble bath. I love Bath and Body works rosemary and mint stuff...but ohhh so expensive. This I found at Walgreens nice and cheap (especially with the three dollar off coupon) and it smells devine and works great! Especially while I was really congested from my latest chest cold.

4. I recently splurged at bath and body works and got thier dark amythest. LOVE IT. I really like the luxe scents that B and B come up with, even if they tend to go on a little chemically smelling. My skin sometimes reacts with their lotions and stuff, so I try to be really careful. I love the spray perfume, though and wear that a lot.

5. Finally, the frankensence and myrhh of from ZUM. They make candles and soap and lotion and yummy body spray. I think it smells a little like dark rich chocolate. Again, uber expensive, but sometimes, you just need a little good smelling stuff to get your day started or ended right.

I also buy stuff from the drug store, like little packets of bath salts and stuff like that, because they are cheap and if you are thrifty you can make a packet last for a couple of baths. I also really like the lip stuff from bath and body works...especially the clove and mint scent. It goes on really shiny and if you get the tinted stuff the tint is really faint. But if you need a little color or just something to make your lips feel better, this stuff works great. Also the peppermint lip stuff from Burt's bees is great for an everyday lip balm.

My only foray into DIY is to make my own bath salts. I start with either sea salt or epsom salts. Epsom salt is great if you just want to add a scent and have something to soak in. Sea salt is better for scrubbing. I like to add a generous amount of almond oil to the sea salt and then add my own smells...patchouli and black narcissus was one of my favorites for a long time. The sea salt with smelly oil is a great scrub AND a great soak. The salt makes you feel like you are floating and the oil coats your skin and helps it stay soft and moisturized for the next day or so. Be careful, though because the oil will make the tub slippery.

If you have really itchy or dry skin, you can spring for the Aveno oatmeal bath stuff or you can make your own. It's really easy...all you need is some quaker oats (not the instant stuff, the old fashioned stuff) and an old lonely sock. Pour a generous amount of oats into the sock (no holes, please) and knot the end. (You can also use an old t-shirt torn into a strip.) You can add bath salts or soaks to the oats before you knot the sock. Sometimes I use the an oaty sock and the sea salt/oil combo. Let the sock soak in the tub. You'll get a creamy bath from this. If you have especially itchy spots, squeeze the sock directly over the itchy patch. The water mixes with the oatmeal and you get sort of slimy goo that can really help heal dry or itchy patches.

If you are like me and get a dry itchy rashy scalp during this time of the year (mine usually shows up because of dry air and extra dust...i don't dust often...let sleeping mites lie, I say) I suggest sliding way down in the tub and soaking your scalp with the oil in the water. This helps heal the scalp, cuts down on the rash and makes your hair feel really soft and shiney, even after you wash it the next day. Sort of like an uber conditioner for your hair. Wrap it in a towel (don't rinse the extra oil out, just wash the next day as usual) and let the heat from your head help the oil soak in. Viola'! Amazing hair and you smell fanfuckingtastic to boot.

I guess that's it for this Sunday. I managed to eat my delicious pumpkin cake donut with cream cheese frosting (from Walmart of all places!) and drink my mtdew for the day. And waste like an hour. But...that's what blogs are for, right? Right?

Love you!
Sleepysweet

The endless whirlpool of sickness

2008-11-14T13:33:00.002-06:00

I've been sick since Sunday. On Monday I was wrapped up in my Sammy dying. Tuesday and Wednesday brought WKCE testing for all tenth graders and Thursday was...well if you are going to take a sick day, wouldn't you prefer it to be on Friday?

I saw the infectious disease doctor today and we agreed that I should take a course of an antifungal...just to be on the safe side.

I also emailed my very nice FWB who expressed condolences over my cat. I, of course, wrote back a novel length email describing what happened. For me, there is nothing more life affirming than having sex with someone you care about. As I pointed this out, I made a point of saying that I was at peace with our relationship (as it is). I mean you have to care about someone a little in order to have sex with them, right? Ok, well, I do. The only thing I really miss about not having a special sweetie is that there isn't anyone to comfort me when I feel really lousy, whether because of dead cat or horrible chest cold.

And I have to point out that while my friends and family are always there to push me to the next level or commiserate about my lack of money and terrible cold, it's not quite the same as having that special sweetie.

Does that mean that I'm about sign up for some online dating service? No, because it costs huge bucks, even though there has been someone, as cheap as I am apparently, checking out my profile on one of those sites I signed up for back during the summer when I despaired of ever finding my special someone (note that I DO NOT use soul mate...for one thing, Ick how high school can you get and two, I don't believe that there is any ONE right person for anyone. It's all in the relationship.)

I'm sort of convinced that if I lived closer to my FWB we would have a different level of relationship, but I doubt that it would be the move in live happily ever after kind of thing most people dream about. I've lived alone the majority of my adult life and I'm pretty happy continuing to do so. It does suck to not have someone to take to the Christmas party, or to other various social gatherings, but I can live with that. It sucked this past week (and last week) when Sam was so sick, and I had to keep leaving work to take him to the vet, because there was no one else to take him. But I lived through it.

No, in the end the hardest thing for me is having a second cat die during November. I had to put Shango to sleep just before Thanksgiving. And now this. And I wouldn't wish watching your cat die on your bedroom floor on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

Love Sleepysweet

PS--If anyone shows this to my mom, I will avow no knowledge of this...I'm sure she's smart enough to have figured out that I'm sleeping with FWB, but I'd rather not talk about it with her...I'm sure you understand!

Cats

2008-11-11T14:56:00.002-06:00

So, my cat died yesteday morning. It was a terrible week, because he became very sick, very quickly and died very quickly as well. I feel like I was only just getting to know him as a cat when he died, so it feels twice as sad.

The vet believes he died from a rare fungal infection, Blasto. Unfortunately, he bit me as he went into his final convulsions and I now have huge ugly wound on the pad of my thumb. Because it was a cat bite, the doctor put me on uberantibiotics. Now that we know that it is Blasto, I'm going to be seen by the infectious disease people, but not until Friday. Hopefully the results won't be bad for me. But my mom has done extensive treatments for people with Blasto and it sound horrible.

However, sad as it is, there wasn't much we could have done for my Sammy. The infection was massive and moved very quickly from the very first symptoms to the final day (literally a week!).

On top of all this, I'm getting a cold...can feel it sinking into my lungs as I write. I've already begun to hack up stuff and can feel it. Sometimes it's just an allergy and the runny nose is part of it. But once I've begun the lung scraping coughing I know it's a bad cold and with that comes me loosing my voice...which has also begun.

I also have a DPI thing at the university tonight. I feel ok, but I need to go home and finish my display, change clothes and go over there. Apparently it has gotten somewhat icy, so that sucks. I hope it doesn't totally freeze over, but I could use a snowday...even an icestorm day would be nice.

More soon...
Love Sleepysweet

Me, 081106

2008-11-06T19:16:00.005-06:00

I don't know why I even bother to sign up for forums anymore...it seems like everyone else has A) more time than I do and B) a far more interesting life than I do.

I'm really working on viewing things in a happier more positive light...thanks to my FWB, a fantastic motivational speaker and a great book about hauntings, but the forum thing...geesh. I barely have time to do my work, much less mess around on the computer.

Except when it comes to missing out on important Kristin Hersh news. GO KRISTIN! I'm sad that I've missed out on seeing some new songs recorded with Kris's new guitar. I wish I could be more involved with folks on the new kristinhersh.com forum, but I'm so bad with people and so awkward and embarssed all the time. I keep thinking that it's time for a new job, but then I get to thinking about how....uncomfortable it is to be the new kid on the block that I just shiver.

I finished Glasshouse this afternoon, as well. Great book, fantastic concepts, interesting characters and situations. I love the way Stross handled the idea of having the same character have the ability to be in two seperate bodies and then come back together and remeld. Cool. The best science fiction always seems like philosophy made real. I mean we can argue about whether or not we are all just fingers attached to the same big hand or we can imagine what it must be like to have an infinite number of seperate selves living and dying and being different genders and stuff like that. I mean...like WOW, right?

Now I have to fill the fiction niche in my reading. Lately I've been reading a lot of graphic novels and comics. When I buy books, there is usually a comic somewhere in the stack. I just finished Witchblade volume 5, which has the First Born story arc in it. And it was pretty darn good.

It's hard for me to adjust to comics...it requires a different kind of reading...I mean I can get just as carried away reading a comic as I can a regular book, but the reading itself is weird...like reading in a foreign language...the task is different, harder. I can understand why comics are so attractive to guys. The artists spend a lot of time creating these amazing pictures to accompany the story. And the pictures are soooo detailed and cool. It's like hunting for guys who don't hunt. It uses the same skill set...one I don't have. That's why I'm never the person who says things like, "on page 24 did you notice that the costume is on backwards..." or whatever. Because I didn't notice. I read like a girl. I can't help it. Comic books are made to be read by boys reading like boys...taking care to notice everything within the visual field and incorporate it into the story. Girls don't read like that...at least all the girls I've ever talked to about reading don't read like that. I read for the story not the details. That's not to say that girls can't learn to read like that or that boys can't learn to read for the storyline. I think it just underlines the differences between the brains of the genders, whether because of socialization or because of genes.

Reading comics really stretches my brain in a completely different way. I love Jamie Smart's Bear comics. They were hysterical, but there were also the thing that always made me hate comics...there was TOO MUCH DETAIL. My poor brain was confused. Where do I start? What do I look at first? My eyes hurt. But somehow I made it through and ended up a fan on the other side. FWB and I have been reading "Ubu Bubu" together. Again...incredible detail, but such madcap fun, the eyestrain is totally worth it. I'm totally looking forward to Space Raoul! Home for cake! That totally makes me laugh every time, you know?

In the meantime, I'm poor, but I have books EVERYWHERE! So there must be something to read...right? Lately bedtime reading has been Hamlet's Mill which is great. Books like this, written in an age when people could remember a ton of stuff and follow long and complex arguements about several interrelated topics are amazing. I mean, people don't write like that anymore. The Prolegomena to the Study of Greek Religion is like that too. The only problem is there is too much Greek in there, and I end up trying to read it to myself and then it becomes less than relaxing because I've forgotten Jane's arguement. The writing itself sounds great. And it's very soothing for me too. I have to read stuff like that before bed, otherwise I'd be up all night. Eventually even Glasshouse got too exciting to read before bed.

But, like Glasshouse, Hamlet's Mill is like reading good philosophy. It's just fun. Whether the facts are there to completely support the arguement that myth is actually a way of transmitting science fact or not. The translations from the Kavela are so musical and mythical at the same time.

I suppose I should sign off here...there are 10 more minutes before Parent/Teacher Conferences are over and (knock on wood) I've seen NOT ONE PERSON! It's ok, though, I got some grading done and did a couple of word puzzles and generally hung around.

Love sleepysweet

Winter...

2008-11-05T14:35:00.002-06:00

It's hot in Wisconsin today. Like 70+ degrees hot. And the school, which has been warming up for the chilly winter, has been like a crock pot full of heat and humidity.

A long stretch of time in an empty ISS room and a computer and I'm thinking winter, like blizzard you can't go any place for days, so you may as well put on warm socks and drink hot chai and read.

So here is my first snow day of the season plan...I just hope it falls on a Friday, because a snowy weekend rocks when you have nowhere to go and no place to be and no snow to blow.

First, getting up and staying in my jammies. My mom just bought me some super soft black fuzzy jams with cute tiny white pokadots. After breakfast, there is the soft grey winter snow light coming in through the window and I'm curled up on the couch with a good book and a cup of chai. Candles are perfect for wintery days, they add that glow of golden comfort that comes from a good set of christmas lights.

Of course, there is always the book...I like to start books on snow days...I just bought the latest Laurell Hamilton book from the Merry series, but I don't know if I can wait until it snows just to read it!!! I'm also working my way through the Amber books again...it's been like twenty years since I've read them. Plus I'm really into three books right now that seem to feed off each other...I'm reading Glasshouse by Charles Stross...I really like Stross because he manages to put together a really believeable future society. I'm also reading Proust and the Squid...I've always been interested in how the brain makes sense of what it reads. This book is fabulous whether you are a teacher or a parent or just curious about your own brain. Finally I'm reading Hamlet's Mill an "essay" (right, it's really like a 350 page book!) about the transmission of scientific knowledge through myth. I find that book about reading and Hamlet's Mill have a surprising amount in common...

OH crap! the bell just rang and now I have to run off to a meeting about sophomore testing. I'm plain tired of meetings and of testing. I wish I could just skip it, but I can't. So...the rest of my winter dreaming will have to wait for later...

Love sleepysweet

Lesson for Today

2008-09-18T10:14:00.002-05:00

These are the things I learned today...well, I already knew them, but I thought that it was worth sharing.

Be nice to the building engineers (aka custodians), the secretaries and the IT guy. All of these people can make your day run smoothly, especially if you are a teacher.

Love Sleepysweet

Memoirs

2008-09-04T15:25:00.003-05:00

So I've had to totally rethink my English skills class for grades 11 and 12. I don't know what the reading levels are for the kids, but I think more of them are in there for me to babysit because they won't do anything than because they need real help. I tried to start my study of Greek mythology and it totally fell flat. I'm not one to give up, so I kept trying and it kept failing. At one point I said that everyone has a story to tell and that we are here (in the world) to tell our stories.

So I thought about that some more and decided to work on getting the kids to tell their own stories. I did something similar last year and I really liked it. This is more focused, even though I have to start by just getting the students to actually read. On thier own. Without complaining every minute of the time. So I thought, well, memoirs are books in which people tell thier own stories, why not memoirs? So I got onto Amazon and started looking...

And realized that there are like hundreds of books about what it's like to have bi-polar disorder or to have suffered through some addiction or anorexia or just plain having a weird family, but there aren't many books about depressed people.

Maybe it's because depression is the bargain basement of mental health disorders. Everyone has it or knows someone who does. Depression is a potted plant, an old dress. There is nothing exciting or glamourous about being depressed. Depression is all those old cliches...void, bottomless pit, black hole. And it is. And it can feel that way. My therapist once said the depression wasn't feeling anything. For me, depression is not caring. Not caring if I make it home in one piece, because why bother, you only have to do it again tomorrow. Depression is like sleeping or being wrapped in cotton. But it can also be sharp and painful. The pain of knowing that I'm some how a fraud, that I'm not as good at being a teacher (or a person) as everyone else seems to think. And depression is exhausting. I'm exhausted all the time. I've been to the doctors and everyone seems to think that it's the combination of drugs I take to manage the depression, the allergies and my asthma. I hoarde my free time and while I don't sleep as much as I used to, I could still use about a hundred more hours of sleep.

Depression doesn't get books written about it, unless it causes you to go crazier. Or to give up eating or do some other drastic thing. But I'm here to say...it sucks. Quicksand, mud, the pit of despair, none of those places are glamourous and no one wants to read about them. Depression is about the most private and most public mental health issue. Everyone is "depressed." But to truly go through it...to truly have to look at yourself in the darkness that illuminates every little flaw and fault you believe you posses, to be unable to move or to eat or to even get out of bed. At my worst, I went on functioning, because no one else was going to take care of me, so I had to work. I've often wondered if that depression ever really lifted.

I'm going to sign off for right now...I'm sitting in the Inschool Suspension room at school and they are about to chase me off to clean the room.

Love sleepysweet

Another day

2008-08-27T11:59:00.003-05:00

I'm supposed to be at school right now, but the staff meeting isn't until 1, so I'm going to do this first.

Monday night was the last summer night I got to spend with FWB. It was great, because we had seen each other once a week and I really feel like I got to know him better, because there wasn't this weird awkwardness that developes when we don't see each other frequently.

But it's also sad. I've tried to get a job in the area around where he (and my mom) live. Yes, I want to be closer to him, but I also want to be closer to my mom and, right now, I hate my job. It's not what I do, it's the fact that I feel like I'm not being a good teacher...and the yearbook. If you haven't been in school for a while or didn't think about all the time and effort that goes into making a yearbook or you are a perfectionist (or a SECRET perfectionist, like me), here's what sucks. My yearbook gets delivered in the fall (weird I know, but it's what the kids wanted...) and our final deadline in the middle of July. I've pretty much been at school every week (except for one or two) during the summer. I feel like school never ended at all, except I got to sleep in late. I feel taken advantage of and that my graduate degree is going to waste besides. Plus my staff pretty much deserted me this summer, which means long days spent finishing pages by myself. I don't want to fraternize with any one, so I'll be in the yearbook room hiding from everyone until I can deal with people again.

But it's not that easy to find another job and I haven't held a teaching job for longer than three years...for a whole variety of reasons. I don't miss the people that I work with at all. And I'm just tired of the say one thing and do another shit that is going on there.

But it's been hard to find jobs...I have a weird certification (high school English plus reading) and it's hard to find jobs in these areas. I apply every year in my home town and NEVER get a response...and the idea of moving is not attractive after the debacle that was my last move. But if I got offered a job there, I'd jump at the chance...I'd even put off going to grad school for a few years, just to save money.

Money is one of my big issues right now. I'm tired of being poor. I just need to get through the next two weeks and see what happens. I have to pay off a bunch of other bills before I can even think about buying anything, let alone moving. Our district pays us once during the summer and because of my move, I'm in the hole. I don't know what to do next. I have a second job for first semester, but I'm actually thinking of taking another job at someplace like Barnes and Noble (if they'll have me) so I can make ends meet. And I love books, so it's ok.

I'd better go...I have to get back to school and pretend I'm excited to be there.

Love sleepysweet

All it takes is one person

2008-08-21T17:26:00.003-05:00

The last time I saw FWB he told me that he had gone to a going away party for a classmate who was doing his third tour of duty in Iraq. This bugged me for some reason...

I thought a lot about this person, even went so far as to look him up on the interweb (as my friend Ross calls it...) and found a very sweet tribute to him from one of his college friends.

In all honesty, Sarge and I were not great friends. We hung out in the same circle of theatre geeks and forensics friends. But my best friend hated him...I think he hated him more for what Best Friend thought was Sarge's hypocricy of having pacifist feelings, but planning on joining the army.

But I feel bad for the guy, you know...three tours of duty and his wife leaves him for someone else...and it was that pain that I could completely understand. When my asshat...excuse me...ex-husband decided that he wanted me out of his life, he started having dinner with a mutual friend. They didn't start dating until I moved out, but if an intention can equal an action, then they were both cheating on me, one as my friend and one as my husband. So I can understand the cheating part of it...some sort of weird empathy thing going on. And somehow it made the stupid war even more real to me...I mean, I have had students that have ended up beening stationed in Iraq...I had a student who joined the Navy and was in the Persian Gulf. But somehow having someone I knew as a person that was the same age as me over there, seemed somehow more....REAL.

And really that's one of the weirdest things for me about teaching high school. When I'm at school I get really wrapped up in my job. I have to be...I'm wearing three hats, as teacher. advisor and reading chick. I end up crunching a lot of numbers, running around, taking pictures and just basically surviving from one day to the next. And then there are the kids...these kids would break your heart. I get all the "tough" kids...kids who don't read well enough to do grade level work...a lot of these kids are Learning Disabled. Some come from really shaky home lives, some make really stupid choices and other kids are just NEEDY, in a way I've never experienced before. It makes my head spin and I spend a lot of time trying to make reading interesting and learning fun. Other teachers might lable kids, but to me they are just my kids and I have to deal with them everyday, even if it means practically being a special ed teacher myself.

But it is so absorbing. And that makes it hard for me to look beyond those 10 months (being the yearbook advisor is a full time job in and of itself and I routinely spend more time at school than I should.) It also makes it hard for me to watch the news...I think, "what the hell are we doing over in some other country when kids here don't eat three meals a day and are living is places and with people I wouldn't leave a cockroach with."

What are we doing over there anyway? Pick any school and stick your head in the door. Walk into many classrooms and see the number of kids that are hungry, sick, disabled in some way, pregnant...Look at classrooms filled with 30+ kids and tell me that we are doing a good job here in America. Why should we expect to do a good job anywhere else, when we can't feed the hungry and get medical insurance for the poor? And Wisconsin is way better than some states. In Texas, where my sister currently lives with my youngest nephew, she can't get aid, because she has savings to live off. He doesn't qualify for head start and they can't afford to put him in daycare or preschool. He's a smart little whipper-snapper and my sister takes him to the library and G-ma sends books, but what about the other kids who's parents fall into the same catagory? Bet thier G-mas and Mangas (J's name for grandma before he could talk good...we joke about it in the bookstore) don't send them books...thier parents probably don't take them to library.

Remind me again why we are at war and good people have to die and kids have to starve and school rooms are overcrowded....

love sleepysweet

Sometimes it takes more than one person

2008-08-18T13:03:00.004-05:00

On my three hour drive back from my mom's house, I, of course, had plenty of time to think, especially once I got the cats settled. It takes Sammy a while to first get car sick and then sink into some kind of road induced feline stupor. It took him extra long today, because he was wearing a new harness and a leash. It was all new to him. I wanted to keep him safer in the car and he wanted to crawl around and puke in hidden corners. No such luck and we managed to make it back home in one piece.

But what I was really thinking about was the discussion I had with my friend with benefits. How else do you describe it...he's definitely not my boyfriend and neither one of us is in any place to have a relationship together right now, so there you go. Last night we talked about our mutual friend, who happens to be my best friend.

My best friend and I have a weird relationship...I spend about 20 hours every weekend at his house and he and his wife feed me and take care of me. My FWB told me how surprised he had been that it was him that I started sleeping with back in high school and not my best friend. They were best friends at the time. As I said to FWB, it's a ship that's sailed long long ago. As I was driving home today, I started to wonder if my best friend's other friends (and there aren't many) think that we have some kind of weird threesome going on. We don't. And we wouldn't. But the fact that I'm nearly always there must pose some quesitons...

But this detracts from where I'm really going...I was thinking about the time right before I moved out and right after my asshat of an exhusband decided that we weren't "soul mates" and that he'd made a terrible mistake marrying me. Let me tell you, in case this hasn't happened to you, it feels like someone has taken your world and crushed it into smithereens. Really tiny slivers of glass that cut your foot when you least expect it. And it goes on...Right about this time, I called my best friend and we discovered that we had a friday off together. Being only 3 hours distant, I drove up, only for the day, but ended up spending the night, crashed out on the sofa bed, getting some of my exhusband's psycho crap out of my system. If it wasn't for my best friend, I'd be in a much worse place than I'm in now. My best friend, weird and strange and anitsocial tho' he is, healed some deep dark place inside of me. Or at least helped me put a lid on it and then helped me deal with each successive monster and hobgoblin as it crawled out. And there are more.

But there are things that your best friend can't heal. And here is where my FWB comes in. I finally feel like a whole person after spending time with him. I told him the two nicest things anyone has ever said to me were,"We can't take the door off, because the hinges are on the inside." and "You know, the Camaro is right outside and we can leave. You don't have to go through with this."

The first one was my FWB back in the day defending me against the horrible abusive boyfriend (who is another story for another day) and the other is my best friend getting ready to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.

It fucking pays to have friends like this!

Love sleepysweet

Moon o' the day and Illegal contraception?

2008-08-14T14:42:00.001-05:00

I've just added moon of the day to the page...hope the single person reading my blog likes it.

I don't mind that no one has commented. I want this to be silent and as anon as I can make it. But I like the moon. I like all moons.

Now on to part two. My sister forwarded me a letter from the folks at moveon.org. I'm not a member of thier list and frankly I don't see what all the fuss is about. The US is like the Catholic Church. Getting things to change takes a monumental effort and it takes a long time. Unless you are George Bush.

According to the moveon folks, there is a bill out there that would make contraception illegal. That would include the pill, the morning after pill, the iud and abortions. Please stop by and sign the petition.
http://pol.moveon.org/contraception/

Even if you could never dream of getting an abortion, consider all the babies that are born to folks who don't want them, can't afford them or are in a bad place. Consider the fact that while the far right would have no problems with forcing you to have a baby you may not want or can't take care of, they will continue to support cuts in aid to families with children. As well as supporting the death penalty--which I could never understand.

That doesn't include the kids who are born because it's the thing to do...kids as status symbols SUCKS!

As a sexually active person, I take it as my responsiblity to protect myself and my partner from an accidental pregnancy. My partner feels the same way. We've discussed it and we know what we are doing. This is not to say that only women should take responsiblity, because men do have to step it up. And I think drug companies and scientists need to look for more ways to take the responsiblity of protection out of the realm of "something the chick is supposed to take care of" and move it to a place where both partners shoulder the burden of responsiblity. And whether you are monogomous or involved in a polyamorous relationship, PLEASE PRACTICE SAFE SEX. Taking meds for the AIDS virus is more expensive than raising a kid. Or at least as expensive.

So...sign the petition, please. In this day, when our rights are already being squashed by the patriot act, step up. Help the children being born be wanted children.

Love sleepysweet

You and me, Anita, you and me.

2008-08-11T14:23:00.003-05:00

I just finished reading the latest Anita Blake book. I know that Laurell Hamilton has taken A LOT of grief over the last few books in the series, and frankly, I'm scared to go read the reviews on Amazon.

I friend of mine rec'ed this series to me along time ago and I read the first book and frankly wasn't impressed. A few years later, I thought I'd try again and read Obsidian Butterfly, which I really liked. I went back and read the others and they were all great books full of action and suspense and vampires and were animals and fun and sex.

And sex...wow...a lot of really hot sex. My friend who had originally thought I'd like the books quit reading them when he decided there was more sex than plot...more sex than action. But not me...I was entranced with the way that Hamilton spent the time and the effort to describe the developement of Anita's character, as she dealt with new powers and new challenges and new lovers.

And for readers to get mad or upset with the author for what the author believes is the real story of the character is frankly mean and rude. Ok, be angry, but admit that the problem is yours and not with the author, because the author is simply being true to her characters and she knows more about what is going to happen down the road. That's why I'll keep reading and buying her books. Even in hardcover, if I have to.

And it's more than that for me. Laurell Hamiliton has explored and is exploring a place where many people are uncomfortable and fear to tread...the honesty about what it means to love someone. And when you love someone does that have to mean sex? Can it mean sex?

I've had my heart broken by people I thought loved me. I've lost people. I've had other people destroy my life because I gave them that power because I trusted them and I loved them. And I've come to realize that you can love more than one person. More than one person can make your heart sing. There is no one and only, soul mate thing. It's a matter of finding the people you love who won't hurt you (on purpose at least) and then building a family, a relationship, maybe even falling in love.

I was reading an old Oprah magazine article and it made me so mad. Here is this writer, inviting everyone to not be afraid to be hurt. To just jump in and deal with the pain that will come and it will come. Maybe I need more therapy, but that doesn't really help me. I'm too afraid of being smooshed up and crushed again to trust myself to fall in love with someone.

I admire my friend who feels his whole life has been building toward his having his kid. And while that's wonderful, it's heart breaking for someone like me, who can't really see the reason for all the pain.

And I know that I may sound like a whiner to you...and maybe I am, but I think it is just human nature. You touch something hot and your burn yourself and you touch it again and it burns you again. You aren't going to touch it a third time are you?

But when I read books and talk to people about this it helps restore my faith in that one person, or maybe those people that are out there waiting for me to help make thier lives complete. Sometimes I believe it's the kids I teach everyday that fulfill that spot in my life...the troubled kids who can't read and have had shit lives...Lives that make mine look like gravy...and then they talk to you and realize that there is a hurting human being underneath all the crap they project. But I also think that there is someone out there...someone I've been meaning to meet. I just don't know where they are or how to find them...

So in the end I salute you Anita Blake and you Laurell Hamilton for helping me make some sense of my fucked up life. Sometimes your family isn't related to you at all. It's the people you love, no matter how you love them. If they make you less afraid of jumping out of plane or jumping into love, then you know they really are your family

Love,
sleepysweet

Weird things happen when you least expect them...

2008-08-10T17:16:00.002-05:00

I'm staying at my mom's house for the week while she and my sisters are in Texas. This afternoon I got a surprise visit from my high school boyfriend.

I don't honestly know why he keeps looking me up--I mean, I'm not hiding or anything, just he moves a lot and we loose touch. I guess his wife's parents live here and they visit every summer.

It was WEIRD, us getting caught up and standing around my mom's front yard...I wasn't being rude or anything, but it is my mom's house and if you know me, you know about my mom's house, but more about that later.

I suspect that he somehow feels responsible for me...I mean we were good friends before we were dating back in high school, we shared many of the same weird instrests and stuff. I just wanted to tell him not to worry, I'm fine. And other than a few things that I have yet to sort out--the guy I'm sleeping with who I think I'm in love with, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me, another year as the yearbook advisor at school, teacing at the U, etc. I really am fine.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to be alone forever, but I also don't really like sharing my private space with someone. I'm not sure how I would handle that in a regular relationship kind of thing, but I'd figure it out. So, how does someone who is bascially a loner, someone who likes to keep people at a distance find someone to spend the rest of my life with?

Let me know if you have an answer...
Love Sleepysweet

Kristin Hesh and me

2008-08-06T12:37:00.003-05:00

So Monday I was driving back home from my mom's house with her dog. My mom and my sister and her kids were going to Texas to see my other sisters. (I know Texas in August...that's why I'm not there). Needless to say, before they left, there was a lot of hullabullo and I couldn't stand it.

By the time I got on the road, I was so stressed out, I couldn't even enjoy my music. And I couldn't even enjoy screaming along with Kristin as I sped down the interstate. I just felt empty.

But it got me to think about the relationship I have with this person I don't even know, but know well enough to dream about her. It's weird, I know, but bear with me...

My abusive high school boyfriend gave me a stolen tape when he returned from North Carolina. It was the first Throwing Muses album, and it took me at least six weeks before I actually listened to side two. The songs spoke to me, made me understand that even if I felt all alone, other people felt like I did...trapped and fucked over. I was sucked in and still am. When I hear interviews with Kristin where she talks about how the songs have a life of their own--they have color and sweat, according to her, I know what she means. Each song has a meaning or memories atttached to it for me. What I hear is different from what she hears and it is different from what other people hear. Her songs became the soundtrack for my life...and she saved my life. At last there was someone who seemed to know what it means to have a huge black pit in place of your heart. Someone else who knows what a struggle it can be to get away from the forces that are crushing the life out of you and the brain and heart numbing results that final break can have.

It's been an uphill battle for me. Not everyday is great, but most are good and there are always bad days scattered around to keep me on my toes. I still listen to Kristin Hersh and I admire the way she has fought to remain true to her songs and her life. It's hard to tell the truth all the time...I can't do it (I mostly sin by omission, but then not everybody needs to know everything). But her songs can.

Go out and buy a Kristin Hersh cd. I couldn't reccommend just one. Or go and download something from her website. Contribute to the tip jar, if you can and start building your inner life a soundtrack that may just save your life.

Love you all,
Sleepysweet

Welcome to sleepysweet

2008-08-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

I hope you will enjoy sleepysweet. These are just infrequent random thoughts and rants and the occasional remix or poem.

Love to you all,
Sleepysweet